Faithfully

When I think back to the different trials and hardships I’ve experienced, I thought each time that it was the worst thing I’d ever gone through.  And at the time I suppose I was right, to that point it was the hardest thing I’d walked through.  Just when I thought I was done with incredibly challenging times, that my life had started to take a turn for the better, that it was the beginning of my “winning season” of sorts, life happened, and I recently endured what truly feels like the hardest thing I have ever walked through.  Loss like I’d never known, something so deeply personal to me that I didn’t think I would come out of it.

Back in January of 2020 God spoke to me during a Bible study I was doing.  Completely and totally out of nowhere, it overwhelmed my soul.  I was moved to tears, sobbing almost, but I wasn’t sad.  It was Genesis 12:2-3 and it says:

“I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing.  I will bless those who bless you, and him who dishonors you I will curse…”

I sat there in disbelief; it was as though He was standing before me speaking these words to my soul!  I was happy, excited, somewhat confused and unsure of what all of that meant.  I wrote down what He had spoken to me so when it came to fruition, I would be able to look back and stand in awe of what He’d done in my life. 

I thought I’d written about it somewhere, and maybe I glanced too quickly at my previous posts, but He showed me a “new life, new love, a new beginning, and a son”.  His name would be Josiah Ethan-Josiah means “Jehovah has healed”, Ethan means “firm and enduring”.  At that time, I also wasn’t sure if what He was showing me was reconciliation with my now ex-husband, and I was truly afraid because of all the pain I endured during the marriage.  I had visions of a man over an extended period, and so when I tried dating, I kind of knew what I was looking for.  Even though the physical part was very apparent in my mind, there was no face to know for sure.  But I knew I wasn’t settling, and I knew after talking with someone if they were what God had shown me.  None were until I met my fiancé, and even then, he knew before me, which was something I specifically prayed for.  Add to that, the thought of a baby when my youngest was 7 at the time didn’t sound too appealing to me.  So, I continued to pray and trust that He would bring me these things in His timing.  

As I shared before, I’d finally met the one from these visions, and our relationship has been truly a Godsend.  And maybe that’s why He allowed this trial, because He knew this man would be the support I’d need to get through it.  Loss is never easy, and there’s always a grieving process no one wants to go through.  Especially since losing family through death began at the age of 5 for me.  I didn’t even realize that loss was really all I’d known until I began talking to my fiancé about why my automatic responses to certain things were the way they are.  Loss takes its toll regardless, and when it happens frequently, you almost become immune to it, or perhaps just expect it and become somewhat stoic.  Maybe this is just my experience, but one loss after the other is a bit disheartening.

In my last post I mentioned I was diagnosed with invasive ductal carcinoma, and I was set to have a PET scan to see if it had spread anywhere else and determine the best course of treatment.  I had begun the hormone therapy to shrink the tumor and had fully surrendered to God and whatever He had planned for me.  The day before the scan I began having major anxiety but I wasn’t sure why.  I prayed and talked to my fiancé about it.  I asked God to take it from me because I knew that whatever He allowed me to walk through, He would be there holding my hand and guiding me.  I didn’t get my period when I was meant to but assumed it was due to the hormone treatment I was on.  I took a test just to be sure, and sure enough it was positive!  I was surprised because we weren’t even trying, and with other circumstances that would likely have made it impossible, I was stunned, I actually laughed out loud in disbelief.  I believe I mentioned that before all of this happened, I felt God speaking to my heart about standing in faith for His hand to heal me, the way the woman who barely touched the hem of Jesus’s garment was.  So when I saw the positive on the test, it was the confirmation I needed to know He was in fact going to heal me without medical intervention.

On January 14^th, we were all out looking at houses, a place to call home to blend our families.  When we got back I used the restroom and saw some blood, I panicked of course because that’s not a good sign.  We immediately went to the ER where they performed an ultrasound and some blood tests.  My fiancé couldn’t go in with me, so I had to sit there alone during the exam, and the scariest moment of my life.  Afterwards, as I sat in the waiting room, I decided to check my email.  Which is to me a God thing because I normally wouldn’t have checked it on a Sunday night.  I saw that I had new results in MyChart and went to see what it said.  Words no pregnant woman ever wants to see were in front of my eyes, “no cardiac activity in the fetal pole consistent with fetal demise, 7.5 weeks gestation”.  Even though I feel mostly healed already, typing those words brings back the same feelings I had that night staring at my phone.

I took a screenshot and sent it to my fiancé, who was waiting outside in the cold, and they allowed him to come in to be with me.  We sat there, stunned, unsure of what to do.  I told him I didn’t want to sit and wait for a doctor to come explain to me what I already knew.  Reading the words were devastating enough, having them said out loud to me would only make the pain worse.  We left the hospital and went home to share the sad news with our children. Fortunately, my younger two weren’t home, because I was a mess and couldn’t fathom sharing that news with them just yet.  We talked about it and I told him I needed to get away, go to the beach or something and process what just happened.  The next morning he booked a beach front room, literally feet from the water.  To add a quick sidenote, I’ve never felt more loved, cherished, cared for on a soul level than I do with him.  He’s taken care of me since day one, in every way possible.  I truly am so deeply humbled and grateful for the gift God has given me in him.

We spent the next couple of days exploring antique stores, came across the most delicious gluten free breakfast place, and talked about our loss.  The bleeding I experienced had subsided, and for the next 2 weeks I lived in constant anticipation of the miscarriage process.  I’ve had six kids, never once miscarried to my knowledge, and had actually prayed against that kind of loss.  My kids are the most important thing to me, the only constant in my life apart from God Himself, and that kind of pain was truly unfathomable to me.  To sum up the details of that 2 weeks, I ended up experiencing what’s apparently called a “missed miscarriage”.  The body holds on to the fetus and expels it only once it realizes there is no life…a circumstance and experience I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.  I had a previously scheduled ultrasound that I kept because I hadn’t lost the baby yet, and had somewhat thought/hoped would be a Lazarus effect in which the tech would tell me the baby was in fact alive and it was just too early to see the heartbeat previously.  Seeing the baby for the first and only time, not alive, was absolutely gut wrenching.  I was in such agony, but I was also angry that God had allowed me to go through such a deeply devastating loss.

Another week went by with no miscarriage. So I went to the doctor to get the medicine used to force your body to do what it hasn’t done on its own, and ended up waiting a week for it to be filled due to being on backorder.  This happened during my middle daughter’s birthday, and I happened to take her to the beach to celebrate, did some light hiking, and the next day my body began the miscarriage process on its own, finally.  When I realized it was happening I thought to myself, “oh good, finally”, because the thought of taking the pill actually terrified me-especially since she talked about how painful the process was.  What I didn’t expect was the sadness that began in a different, deeper way than I ever imagined.  While I was grateful my body was finally letting go, I now had to begin processing the reality of what happened, as well as the grieving process for a baby I never knew.  When I would hear women talk about how sad they were after early miscarriage, the loss they felt, I couldn’t imagine why it was so hard.  Because my logical brain rationalized that, if it was so early, how could it feel like a loss?  Not in a rude or judgmental way, just true incomprehension and ignorance.  And maybe that’s how God will use this, to help me relate to other women on a level I couldn’t before. 

I would have never guessed a miscarriage would be what almost took me down based on my previous mindset, but it did.  I felt God lied to me, that He allowed me to believe something that wasn’t true, and that I couldn’t trust Him.  I actually sat in half expectation of Him to just take every other good thing out of my life, including the man He created and chose to be my kingdom partner.  I hadn’t felt that low in a very long time.  I felt defeated, angry, sad, hurt, let down, disappointed and that my faith and prayers had all been in vain.  I was scared for myself, I didn’t even feel like myself to be honest.  I was spiraling downward, feeling powerless to stop it and felt like I was going to sink to the point of not getting back up.  I know it’s only by the grace of God, the prayers of my friends and family, and the very small part of me that kept reminding me He is good no matter the circumstances that I’m where I am today.  Hopeful and believing for Him to redeem that pain, make beauty from those ashes and give me the son he showed me 4 years ago.  In His time, in His way, and I believe without a shadow of a doubt He used that pregnancy to prevent me from receiving traditional medical treatment for my tumor.  That He wants to get the glory from my story and perform a miracle that would make even non-believers, believe-which is something He spoke to me quite a while ago.

At the risk of repeating myself, something I’ve always longed for was to have a life like the people I’d read about and admired in the Bible.  To see His miraculous hand deliver people from slavery, take down a giant with a rock, be safe from a lion’s den, a barren woman delivering a child she never thought she’d have, it all sounded like a fairytale to me.  But the stories I read, especially in Job, inspired me and I desperately wanted to be used by Him in some great way.  Reading of how he lost literally everything he had but never once cursed God spoke to my soul.  Going through similar trials and tribulations, I felt just like Job.  Except for me, it took wholehearted surrender to keep me from abandoning my faith.  And with my latest heartbreak, the only reason I didn’t was because everyone I knew was praying for me.  Between that and the reminder that God is good no matter the circumstances, I was able to slowly crawl out of the pit of despair.  I’ve never lost a baby before, and thinking about how far along I’d be, getting excited to feel those first little flutters, praying this baby looked just like his daddy, excited to have a baby with the man God created with me in mind, is bittersweet.  I’ve believed my whole life things happen for a reason, and I can finally take that and move forward.  Knowing there are things He allows and things He ordains helps me process that He did in fact use this pregnancy to protect me, even though it didn’t look the way I expected. 

In keeping with songs speaking to me, this is no exception.  And it makes me smile because it’s oftentimes a song I’ve not heard much that all of a sudden starts playing a lot, or one that I’ve heard that I didn’t care much for that He uses.  I heard this song one day and turned it up to hear the lyrics. It’s called Faithfully by Toby Mac, he was one of the very first Christian artists I found over 20 years ago and I love his music.  He lost his son a few years ago and wrote this most beautiful, relatable song sharing his faith during what sounds like the hardest time in his life.  The entire song really is entirely relatable to me and what I’ve experienced in my almost 42 years of life, but especially this last year and latest loss.  But the part that really got me was when he said, “In my darkest hour you met me, so quietly so gently, you said you’d never leave and you stood by your word.”     Even though I couldn’t see it at the time, He was there, almost sitting quietly until I was ready to lean on Him again.  To pour my heart out and admit how much pain I was in and that I felt it was His fault.  I hate feeling like that too, because I absolutely know better.  Pain is heavy, unfathomable at times, like a darkness you’ll never escape.  It made me believe I was alone and that God didn’t care, because why would He allow this? I honestly believed I’d never recover and that He didn’t have good plans for me at all.  Man am I thankful for the power of prayer!

I left my job once I began the miscarriage process because I knew in my heart I was there as provision for that chapter of my life after my divorce.  My boss was amazing and compassionate, asking for PTO donations since I didn’t have any time off to ensure I didn’t have to worry about not being paid during my time away.  Leaving has been very bittersweet because I enjoyed the friendships I made, it didn’t feel like a job at all, but somewhere I looked forward to being every day.  But I also knew that chapter was over, being a stay-at-home mom and wife is my calling, something I thrive in.  Fortunately, God created a way and offered provision for that, and I’ve seen such a difference in my littles as well!  I’ve seen this play out before, but the biggest takeaway I have from this is that things rarely happen the way I think, want, or wish they would.  And that’s really okay, because if I’ve learned anything from the countless experiences I have of God working in my life, it’s that He knows what He’s doing and can be trusted, even when my pain wants me to believe otherwise.  It’s rarely in the middle of the pain that I remember that, but I will say my resilience and endurance have grown, and I am quite proud of myself for pushing through to the other side to witness His beautiful hand at work.  And I’m very much looking forward to this next chapter where He brings everything full circle, all the promises to fruition, and I continue on the path of my promised land here on earth.

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKA7KI4lHQo&si=iHIx-zxs7OimeG3i

Egypt

I’ve been thinking a lot about the current events in the world. Watching biblical prophecy come to fruition, seeing the need to seek God more than ever. I never thought I’d witness what’s going on, let alone be in the middle of raising kids while these events are unfolding. And it’s made me realize how important it is to be so saturated in pursuing God wholeheartedly. I grew up in church and have never known a life apart from Him. Granted, my life and its circumstances have grown me and deepened my faith more than I ever expected, but He’s always been what I lean on when things around me are going crazy. All of this has also made me realize that we’re in a time that being a lukewarm Christian just won’t suffice. He needs people on fire for Him, a passion to serve Him and others, a longing to hear from Him. Seeking His heart and desires for us that carry into our daily lives and not just a weekly meeting with other believers.

I came across a term years ago that I’d not heard until that point, Kingdom partner. I loved the way it sounded, so powerful and warrior-esque. The image in my mind was husband and wife fighting evil, next to each other, looking to God, a true partnership. It’s not something I’d experienced, but I wanted to. My heart’s desire to serve God began as a small girl when my mom passed. My grandma was the first person to take me to church, and we went regularly when she became my caregiver. I remember hearing her talk about God to others, she explained how she believed things happen for a reason, and that we were to serve Him in whatever way we were called to. I’ve known since I was around 5 years old that I was different from my peers. Part of that I’m sure is early childhood trauma and an otherwise “abnormal” life than what they’d experienced. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that most people are comfortable going to church on Sundays, living a “normal” or comfortable life. I completely get it because I’ve been known to do so myself. It’s difficult when you’re working, raising babies, etc. But lately I feel so much more impassioned and feeling that we need to rise up and be the warriors we were called to be. Surrendering our plans, seeking His heart, His will for our lives. To focus on how we can fiercely defend the innocent, our children, and raise the next generation to be God fearing.

I believe a lot of people are unaware of the spiritual warfare going on, even within the church. Now is not the time to shrink back and stay quiet, satan is constantly prowling around trying to dismantle what God has created. The family unit especially, and now more than ever, families have to stand against it. Which brings me to the point of having a kingdom partner. I don’t know the biblical accuracy, my research was brief, but I’ve heard it said that the only mention the Bible makes in regards to a spouse is finding someone you’d want to go to war with. Such a powerful image, it matched perfectly the image I had of “kingdom partner”, so I assume there’s an intentional relevance. I mentioned in my last post that I’d met someone who I wholeheartedly know God brought to me in His perfect timing to help me through this new chapter of my life. I’ve come to realize that he is my kingdom partner, the one I’d prayed for since I was a little girl, and more specifically since I became single. A man who would serve God with me, lead me, our family, love Him more than me and someone I could go to war with. I don’t understand why God allows what He does, but I’ve come to trust Him more than anyone or anything, I take comfort in knowing that He has a beautiful plan unfolding even when I can’t see it.

This man God has sent me is the kindest, gentlest, most incredible and humble soul I’ve ever met. He has 2 sons whom I’ve come to love as my own, and I absolutely love being a part of their lives. I knew from the very first time we talked that he was different, but I wasn’t actively looking to date or get into a relationship so I didn’t give it much thought. I realized we had a lot in common, similar life stories and background, and I was excited to meet someone whom I could really relate to. The relatability and similarities helped us connect on a deeper level, and I realized very quickly something felt different. But again, I didn’t give it too much thought because I was just coming to a point of being content on my own and independent. One thing that I’ve learned most about God is His ways are not mine, His timing is not mine, and He moves in His own ways-even, and especially, if it seems crazy to the human mind and comprehension. In fact, I can tell you from my own life’s experiences, if it’s logical, reasonable, can be explained or tied up in a perfect little bow of, “yeah, that makes sense”, it’s 99.99999% not from God. For whatever reason, He operates in ways that we can’t understand or make sense of. To be honest, it’s kind of fun, and funny, to witness. I also love surprises so watching Him work is extra exciting to me.

To add my previous point, the Bible doesn’t give a lot of information for dating, the length of time one “should date” before marriage, or really anything of the sort. Something I actually never considered or was aware of until my recent singledom. So, because of that, because I’ve been married since I was 17, this has been a rather interesting time for me. I know in the depths of my heart I wasn’t meant to be single, having a partner and family is the most important thing to me. I also realized there was some healing that needed to take place, my caretaker desires and abilities stemmed from unmet needs as a child-and being a people-pleaser. Spending 3 years alone, but not really wanting to pursue dating, nor being in the position to, taught me how to take care of myself. Being a mom or someone’s wife was all I’d known, and I knew God was using that time to grow me. Teaching me my worth and value as the person He created and had a plan for, not just an identity from my position in the world.

Being where I am in my journey, taking everything I know into consideration; applying what I know, factoring in the countless prayers and wholehearted submission to God, I feel like I’m in the best place I’ve ever been. Sure, I have some things I’m still working on and healing from, but overall I feel incredibly content and settled within myself. Which is actually a very foreign feeling for me, so I’m trying to absorb every moment I can. And to be transparent and vulnerable, I want to mention that I just found out I have breast cancer. A ductal tumor that I’ll begin treatment for soon, but I see how God brought me the support I needed to get through this new journey. I have family that are supportive of course, which I’m incredibly grateful for. But God knows me and my needs, and I can’t imagine having to go through this without a partner by my side.

Having said all that, and going back to having a kingdom partner, I believe everything I’ve been through has led me to this point. To be so rooted in my faith, so dependent on God and seeking His will, so at peace with where He leads me. Feeling confident in my decision making, knowing in my heart it’s the path I’m meant to be on. And with this man by my side, I know without a shadow of a doubt he’s the one I’m meant to walk beside the rest of my days, go to war with, the one God Himself hand-picked to be my kingdom partner. It’s…I haven’t discovered the word that quite fits the definition of how I feel about it. But it’s peaceful beyond understanding, something I couldn’t have done on my own. Literally an answer to many, many tear filled prayers. It hasn’t been very long in terms of how we measure time, but we’ve both had so many confirmations that we’d be fools to not recognize it for what it is. His hand at work, His heart for us and a great way to bring Him glory.

To find someone who loves with a depth I’ve never experienced, who sees me in a way I’ve never been seen, and who cares for me in a way no one ever has can only be explained through divine ordination. For me, he is God’s love for me made visible, it’s incredible. I can’t recall ever feeling so deeply that I was truly at the center of God’s will for my life. I didn’t search for him, I didn’t make an attempt to find someone, I was perfectly content to be single for the rest of my life. I say all the time that I’m grateful God knows what we need, even if it doesn’t align with what we want or think we need. My most favorite aspect of being a follower of Christ is knowing that He works all things together for His good, His glory. I see with great clarity the plans He has for he and I, the ways He’ll use us to further His kingdom, the purpose in which He brought us together. It’s exciting, yet brings contentment and peace to my heart when I envision the things we’ll do with the tools He’s equipped us with, to serve and glorify Him. To have someone by my side who has the same desires as me, to not be satisfied with just a Sunday church service, but rather a partner who’s just as passionate about his calling and will literally go to war with me is the culmination of 40 plus years of prayer and submission to Him, waiting for His timing.

All I’ve ever wanted was to have a life only God can take credit for, to show people He is real and desires a relationship with us. To live a peaceful life, raise babies and watch them have babies of their own. To build a legacy for Him, growing a family that honors and glorifies Him. For the first time in my life I can see those things coming to fruition. All the hard work, pain, suffering, heartache, abuse and loss of friendships is a thousand percent worth it for me. If I had to do that another hundred times so that my kids wouldn’t have to endure it once, or live a life of agony to have the man I have now, I would in a heartbeat! And I don’t say that lightly, I’ve been through some pretty intense pain. But I feel that to the depths of my soul. Every moment was worth it because it led me to the greatest chapter of my life. The one where I no longer struggle and fight, but where I get a front row seat to the amazing things God has planned for my kids, the boys I consider my own, and my kingdom partner and I!

**Because 9 times out of 10 I have a song that resonates so deeply, this post is appropriately titled “Egypt” because of the song by Cory Asbury. The lyrics fit the theme of this post and what I’ve watched God do in my life over the past 3 years.

“You stepped into my Egypt, you took me by the hand. You marched me out in freedom, into the Promised Land. And now I will not forget you God, I’ll sing of all you’ve done, death is swallowed up forever, by the fury of your love”. The first time I heard this song was live at church, and not surprisingly, it moved me to tears because of its relevance. Music is, has, and will always be my favorite form of artistry. Its ability to invoke such deep emotion, resonate within my soul, and be the string of words I couldn’t articulate myself will never cease to amaze me. I’ll link the song so you can listen for yourself. I pray it speaks to you the way it does me!

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=dUbpSpDA2so&feature=shared

For Such A Time As This

There have been numerous times over the course of my life where I would pray about something and see it come to fruition pretty quickly. Maybe it was God’s way of building my faith, proving He was real, but I remember thinking, “wow, this is pretty incredible”! And it did deepen my faith and trust in Him. I knew life would never be perfect, but I also knew that I could trust Him. People would question me, my faith, doubt it and try to get me to question it. But I knew what I felt in my soul and I had to follow it.

After going through over a decade of mental, emotional, and verbal abuse, I lost that enthusiasm and trust. I felt I was being punished for my mistakes, and the punishment didn’t fit the crime in my opinion. I struggled for years to feel like God actually cared about me and my pain. I lost sight of His goodness and belief He would pull me out of the deep pit of despair. I would pray, but it felt pointless. Like my prayers were hitting the literal ceiling, or falling on deaf ears. I felt God was disappointed in me and allowed me to bear the weight of my circumstances. And maybe the latter part of that is true, it’s part of life, consequences and repercussions of our actions. But I hated that I had gotten so far from Him. I hated who I’d become, pulling away after every attack, crying myself to sleep wondering if I would ever be rescued from the deepest pain I’d ever known.

There was a constant cycle of feeling unworthiness to go before the Creator of the world and petition His hand to help me and times where I felt great optimism I would get through it. I longed for the moments where I could hear His voice, see Him working, feeling the joy deep inside my heart when I’d get these glimpses of the faith I once knew. And somehow it was always fleeting. Something would happen, another verbal attack, shame and guilt would overshadow the moment. I’d never been in such a cyclical pattern before that. I felt like I was going insane, the same things happening over and over and over again. I would cry constantly, asking God where He was, why wasn’t He rescuing me? What had I done that prevented me from escaping the constant torture of never feeling good enough by the one person who was supposed to love, honor and cherish me forever? How was it possible that the prayers that were once answered within days or weeks have become as if I’d never even spoken them?

Prior to this time in my life I was more anxiety ridden than anything, and it kept me going for years. I’d never been a depressed person, this was all new and devastating to me. If I had sad or depressive moments, they never lasted long. Being on autopilot was my new norm and became all I knew. In fact, when I think about my kids growing up at that time, it all feels kind of like a dream I vaguely recall. Which is hard because I prided myself on being the mom who remembered everything about my children’s lives, not just the milestones or core memories. And when I think about the damage done to them, it kills me more than anything I felt and endured. Parents are supposed to protect their kids, and I felt helpless to do so for so long.

I’ve written about this before, but it’s often hard to recognize abuse unless it’s physical. Or at least it was for me because I just chalked it up to bad behavior, character flaws, or just a time where healing needed to take place. The responsibility and guilt I took on to do my part to be supportive was a crushing weight. I was convinced it was my job to help, heal, support or do anything and everything in my power to correct the behavior. I realized later that it wasn’t only my own guilt, it was put upon me as though I were solely responsible for the work that would need to be done. And so I stayed, to be a “good wife”, to keep the family together telling myself it was better for all my kids. And somewhere, deep down, I absolutely knew it wasn’t true. But you can only hear something so much before you start to believe it. And I learned not to trust my gut, my instincts, the intuition I spent my life to that point grateful for because I tend to be naïve like my grandma. The voice in my head that led me on the right path became not even audible after years of being drowned out by a louder voice telling me I was wrong.

I lost sight of who I was, my purpose, the visions I had for my future. The things I knew God wanted to do in and through me. I frequently tell my kids we weren’t put here to serve ourselves, and I knew I wasn’t living in my purpose. But every time I thought about escaping, fear would overtake me and I’d tell myself if things were meant to change God would make a way. And He did, but not at all in the way I’d have ever imagined. From the point I knew in my soul I needed to get out to the time I actually acted on it was years. Part of that was waiting for a clear sign or action from God, not realizing He would honor the steps I took toward it.

For almost three years after I filed for divorce, my circumstances caused me to cohabitate with my ex. What began with a vision and clear direction from God was soon met with lockdowns, restrictions and no visible way out. I was confused and felt I heard Him wrong. And there is truly an endless amount of things that happened over the course of that time, but one thing I can say is that quite literally, every single day, God was either pushing me, walking next to me, dragging me by the hand or carrying me through a process that was actually harder than staying in an abusive situation. Everything was new, uncertain, uncharted territory. I knew how to survive attacks, but how could I possibly walk in a situation when I could barely see the road in front of me? I desperately wanted to trust Him, but I was afraid. I was deathly afraid I’d heard Him wrong when bad things happened. Or things would go the opposite of what I believed He was showing me. I spent days confused, crying, wondering how and when I would be rescued.

One day I read something about speaking things out loud, that they tend to hold more weight and be more powerful than silent prayers. I probably mentioned this previously, but I literally began saying out loud, “Lord, I don’t know what you’re doing, but I trust you”. I would wake up every single morning and ask God to guide me, lead me, and direct me. I truly didn’t care where I was going as long as I knew He was the one in control. And I know to some people that sounds crazy, or they say, “We all have free choice”…but let me tell you, God knows our hearts. He knows our desires. He knows how to take our desire to serve Him and have the life only He can give and make it happen. I’ve seen things that can only be attributed to Him. I’ve also seen things work out when I felt they were hopeless, or that I was losing in a situation. Some biblical or “Christian” terms seem so cliché until or unless you’ve lived them. But I’ve grown so much in the past three years where all I had to hold onto was my hope in Him and endless prayers. Your perspective changes quite a bit when your dependency on Him is what gets you through each day.

I’ve walked some of the darkest days of my life with no one but Him. And what I mean by that is, no matter who was around me, supporting me, encouraging me, or checking on me, I knew all they could provide was kind words. And by no means do I intend that to mean it wasn’t enough. I just knew they could never give me what God could. A deep peace in my heart to know that things would eventually change, end, something new and beautiful was coming. I’ve lived on my own for 3 months now and that process didn’t look anything like what I anticipated it would. I felt being on my own would give me an overwhelming joy, take the weight off my shoulders and provide relief that I was no longer in a bad situation. But for the first two months all I felt was heaviness, sadness, like I was living in a fog. I tried so hard to be optimistic, happy that I was on my way to the Promised Land God had shown me.

Healing isn’t linear, it isn’t sudden, and there’s still a grieving process involved, even when you escape a bad situation. Once I realized that, the fog started to lift. Once I acknowledged that it was okay to feel sad, to understand that this my new life, and one I never wanted, I was able to accept the reality in front of me. Being a single mom is hard, and totally foreign to me having spent over 20 years of my life married. It’s come with its own set of challenges and situations I don’t always know how to navigate. But I have no doubts in my heart that God is healing me, has already healed me from so much, oddly enough even during the 3 years I spent living with the person responsible for my pain. I feel like me again, but stronger, bolder, and parts of me feel new. I know it’s because of everything I’ve endured, and I’ll forever be grateful for the time I had to spend literal hours at my desk reading my Bible, praising, worshiping and deepening the roots of my faith.

I’m at a point in my life where God is answering my prayers the way He used to. He’s given me the most beautiful gift of friendship and companionship in someone who’s walked through his own fair share of pain and heartache. Watching God weave our stories together, seeing how everything that’s happened will all be used as the launching pad to the next chapter is overwhelming. But the peace inside, the contentment and effortlessness is how I know without a shadow of a doubt His hand is in it. I prayed for very specific things over the past year or so and I’m seeing them come to fruition, which in itself is the only sign I need to know that He’s ordained it.

I say this almost daily, I’m sure those around me get tired of hearing me say it, but I truly do pray about literally every aspect of my life. God has spoken to me through scripture more times than I can count, but something He showed me on my birthday last year was Esther 4:14. If you’re not familiar with it, feel free to look it up. It’s a beautiful story of a woman who took a risk and became queen, but there’s a lot of detail that would be too much to explain. When I researched it myself, it made me feel optimistic, like God was showing me something He had for my future. As I’ve continued to seek Him, pursue Him and what I felt led to, I’ve seen plenty of confirmation to keep me encouraged. And I’ve realized all of this is my testimony. That alone overwhelms my soul and gives me hope that there’s at least one person who needs to hear my story and be encouraged by it. And not everyone understands or agrees, not everyone has the faith I do, and that is totally okay. I’ve walked a long, hard, winding, deeply painful path and I don’t have time to listen to anyone but the voice of God. I’ve stopped worrying about what other people think, my only desire is to please the One who chose me for such a time as this.

Build A Boat

One of my favorite things about music is its ability to transport you somewhere, recall a memory, or even speak to your heart in a way you didn’t know you needed.  If you listen to KLOVE or Christian music on Sirius XM, you probably know who Colton Dixon is.  His latest song, Build A Boat has come on the radio many times and I never paid much attention to it.  My brain saw the title and knew I could assume what the song was about, why did I need to listen to it?   Then one day I said okay, I’m gonna listen to this and see if I’m right.  Well, it turns out I was, but I was also pleasantly surprised.  I felt God was trying to remind me that while people around me may not understand my path, the one I’m thoroughly convinced is the one He’s chosen for me, what matters most is my faith being built in this process.  Isn’t that what Noah’s ark is truly proof of?  That while it took, to my knowledge, hundreds of years to build, God showed up and proved His word.  My favorite sayng is, “everyone thought Noah was crazy until it started to rain”. 

Since I typically reference songs, and usually specific verses, I thought I’d share the parts of the song that really spoke to me:

I will build a boat in the sand where they say it never rains, I will stand up in faith, I’ll do anything it takes;  I’ll build a boat in the desert place, and when the flood and the waters start to rise I will ride the storm ‘cause I got you by my side, with your wind in my sails, your love never fails or fades, I’ll build a boat so let it rain.

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=TwC7dgW5nRc&feature=share

I’ve talked in my last several posts about the fact that my life took a huge, unexpected turn in January of 2020, then even more so once covid happened.  One thing I’ve failed to mention for many reasons is I’m in the process of a divorce.  I won’t go into detail because I have no desire to bash anyone or get into personal details that I’d rather forget.  However, I will say, that because of my Christian faith people have attacked me over my decision.  And it’s always kind of funny to me how people focus so much on certain verses, take them out of context, or worse, judge because they don’t understand the situation in its entirety.  All that to say, I have learned so much since this season began.  Growing spiritually is rarely pleasant and easy, especially when God needs to prune parts of you that you had no clue weren’t beneficial.  In fact, this past weekend at church the sermon was about exactly that.  Being pruned, vines producing fruit, and how God is the metaphorical gardener in our lives cutting off, or back, the unproductive vines.

Back to building a boat, God showed me the other day that the “boat” in my life is building my trust in Him.  Ignoring the voices around me that cause guilt or condemnation, focusing only on what He’s calling me to.  Deepening my faith when things haven’t gone the way I believed they would, processing disappointment in a healthy way, and knowing that no matter my circumstances, God never changes.  He’s always good even when my life doesn’t feel like it.  People have walked out of my life this year for one reason or another and it’s kind of thrown me for a loop when it happens.  And being me, I pray about it and ask God to show me my responsibility in it, or if He caused or allowed it as part of His pruning process.  I’ve never really had a large group of friends, even as a child and teenager.  I can count on one hand the people who I truly believe God has placed in my life for a specific reason.  I have one friend I call my praying friend.  Because she’s someone I know I can message any time of the day with something going on and trust she’s going to start praying immediately.  I also have a few family members who I can always count on, which I am deeply grateful for.  They’re the ones who are beside me, helping me “build a boat” and encouraging me to keep going.  Trusting God for the promises He’s shown me and believing everything is going to work out eventually.

I know there are people who think I’m crazy, don’t understand my path or my decisions, and/or judge me for doing things the way I have.  I’m human and make mistakes just like anyone else, but I can truthfully say that there hasn’t been one single day that I didn’t ask God to guide me.  Sought His heart in my decisions, asked for guidance and discernment, and forgiveness when I mess up.  One of my favorite things to do is sit with my Bible and pray, asking Him to lead me to a verse that reveals His heart, speaks peace or confirmation, or simply just praise Him.  I truly have no clue where my path will take me.  I have thoughts and hopes, but I’ve learned wholehearted surrender during this challenging time in my life.  And there have been times I’ve asked for direction, felt like He was showing me something and then bam, it went completely different than I thought He’d revealed.  So I ask daily, Lord take this from me.  Guide me, guard my heart & mind, help me to know I’m going where you want me to be.  There are so many circumstances beyond my control and to be honest it’s been heartbreaking.  The home I spent 8 years praying for will have to be sold and I have no clue how things will play out.  Despite my attempts to get a handle on things or set goals & plan, literally nothing works out nor is in my ability to control-that’s bizarre feeling.  But one thing I can say for certain is that I know from the peace and contentment I feel in my soul, God is the one navigating. 

I’ve finally come to a point watching things happen that I never would have guessed, I genuinely don’t care what people think of me.  I wasn’t put on this earth to worry about people or their opinions.  I seek counsel from other believers and leaders and pray like I never have before.  Even though my life feels chaotic and uncertain, God is the captain of my life, this boat I’m building, and I know at some point everything will fall into place in the exact way it’s meant to.  Is it easy? Is it fun? Am I absolutely terrified at times I’ve heard Him wrong and made a mess of my life? No, no, and yes!  But having one of my kids tell me my faith during all of this has helped build his makes it all worth it to me.  Because as I often tell my kids, we weren’t put on earth for ourselves.  We were made for community, to be accountable to one another, and to serve.  The happiest people, including non-believers, are the ones who are selfless.  Don’t believe me? Give it a shot.  Think of others before yourself and serve when you can.  I’m 99.9% sure you’ll feel a lot better about yourself and change the way you see the world.  Another of my favorite quotes is, “humility isn’t thinking less of yourself, its thinking of yourself less”.

Lastly, I suggest asking God if there’s a boat you need to build in your life.  Are there areas you need to surrender, trust Him more, or deepen your faith?  And then once you’ve built that boat, step out onto the water and trust that He’s going to keep you afloat despite the storms around you.  I know it’s not always easy, but from the past 2 years I can promise you it’s absolutely worth it!

Oceans

I’ve found that the reason I love music so much is that I typically relate to the lyrics on a person level. And it’s why I generally reference songs in my posts, because they speak to me or get me through hard seasons of my life. They become my anthem, my prayer, my inspiration to keep going. One song in particular is one churches across the world were singing for at least a year if I recall correctly. If you listen to Christian music, you’ve definitely heard the song Oceans by Hillsong United. I would turn it up any time it came on the radio but singing it with other believers gave me goosebumps! I still love the song, but recently it occurred to me that at some point the lyrics became my cry. My passion, my deepest desire in my relationship with God.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Saviour

A few weeks ago, the song came on while I was at the gym and I stopped, listened to what she was saying, then realized God was doing exactly that! My prayers were being answered, but I didn’t even realize until that moment. All the things I’m going through are exactly what I asked for. My faith is being stretched and pulled; I’m being put in situations where the only thing I can do is lean on Him. My life currently looks very different than I imagined years ago when I prayed during that song, differently than what I pictured just over 2 years ago when God showed me part of my future. It certainly hasn’t been easy by any means. But I can see how He’s used situations to deepen my faith, how He taught me to praise Him despite the pain and fully trust Him even when things don’t make sense. To be honest, some things still don’t make sense to me, or how they’ll work out. But over the past 2 years I can say that I’ve come so much further than I ever expected to.

If you know me personally, you know that two weeks ago my grandma had a stroke. This was devastating news because they didn’t catch the blood clot that caused it early enough and the damage was irreversible. It gave me so much anxiety because she called my every day, typically several times a day. Here and there we’d go a day without talking, usually if I was at work and forgot to call her when I was free. I felt the guilt building up and it was hard to breathe, I felt terrible that the day before she had the stroke I had forgotten to call her back. I fought those feelings with the reminder that I had talked to the day prior and nothing in our conversation would have changed. I had to remind myself of this for several days when the guilt would creep in, I felt such a deep sadness.

She was in the hospital for a week then was transferred to a hospice center. When she arrived, we were there to greet her, fully expecting her to be incoherent, and she mostly was. But the hospice man was so sweet and reassuring, and told us what to expect, what we should do, and how to speak to her until she passed. Well, if you knew my grandma, you know how stubborn she was. She ended up holding on for more than the 3 days the man guessed we had. The very next day I went to see her as my last goodbye and even though she couldn’t speak, she was able to comprehend everything I was saying. And, to mine and the nurse’s surprise, she even ate! I knew in my heart it wasn’t her recovering, I was informed there’s a term called “rallying” that most dying patients exhibit. I didn’t care though, it was the closure God knew I needed and I’ll be eternally grateful for that time with her.

I was able to explain what happened to her, that I understood she couldn’t speak, that I was so happy to see her awake and alert! After she ate, she started to return to a lethargic state, and I knew that was the last time I’d see her that way. I was able to tell her I loved her, I was gonna miss her so much, but that her body was tired and giving out. That it was okay for her to let go and be reunited with my mom, my brother, my grandpa, her siblings and other family. It’s such a bittersweet feeling to know that I’ll never talk to her on the phone again but be overjoyed that she gets to be reunited with all these people.

The reason I mention this story, is I feel it’s the final chapter of this season of my life. That somehow her going home opens a new chapter for me. I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes God speaks to me with visuals that I cannot put into words. This is the woman that raised me and my sister, the only mom I had growing up. Once I got married and had kids of my own, I was able to understand why she was so hard on us, even though I hated it at the time. She lost her only daughter in a tragic accident, and went on to lose her sister, step-dad, mom, my brother, her brother, my grandpa, and almost all of her other family members. She suffered more loss than any other person I know, yet she still maintained a determined attitude. Even when she was in the senior center where she had the stroke, she told me almost daily how she just wanted out of there and to have her own place. It killed me that I couldn’t help her the way she wanted, but God knew what was coming and prepared us in different ways.

When she passed last Thursday, I went to be with my sister to say goodbye. Somehow seeing my grandma laying there gave me peace, which probably sounds morbid, but I just imagined she was in a deep sleep. I held her hand and told her I was so happy she finally found peace and was with my mom. I know almost every other person in her life has gone before her, but something about having to bury a child makes me focus more on my mom than anyone else. She missed her so much and picturing my mom waiting for her with open arms just fills my heart with so much joy.

I don’t know what God is working on, what’s going to play out over the next month, or year, but I know without a shadow of a doubt He’s already gone before me and has prepared the way. He will use every single circumstance to push me deeper in my faith and trust in Him. I didn’t even realize how much He’d grown me until I was crying over a situation, and through those tears I said aloud, “I still trust you Lord”! I surprised myself because I said it all the time in my mind, but saying it out loud was far more powerful than I would have imagined. I don’t know why God allows the things He does, or how He manages to work all things together for our good. But let me tell you how unbelievably grateful I am that He does. I’ve made so many mistakes in my life, but somehow He takes those terrible things and makes the most beautiful things I could never create on my own.

I don’t know what you’re walking through, and maybe you’ve read this with disbelief in your heart. Maybe you’ve felt betrayed by God in some way or another. Or maybe you simply don’t believe in Him, and that’s okay. I share my heart because I believe our trials help us to relate to one another. And I pray that it helps just one person, that the right person hears it and knows it’s gonna be okay.

Obedient Hearts

To obey is better than sacrifice (1 Samuel 15:22)

These profound words literally stopped me in my tracks when I read them not too long ago.  If we’re friends on social media, you’ve seen the story I posted regarding this very thing.  I realized that I haven’t written in a while, and this particular topic is something I don’t think I’ve talked about in the past. 

What caught me off guard the most is that it’s something I never realized prior to coming to those words in my Bible.  I don’t recall ever being taught that in church or any bible study I’ve been to.  That’s not to say I haven’t, my memory isn’t what it used to be.  Nonetheless, I believe these words impact me so deeply because I’ve innately been a selfless person my whole life.  Sure, I’ve discovered habits or behaviors that stem from selfishness, I am only human, but I’ve been a mom more than half my life, and married.  Self-centered behaviors won’t get you far in any relationship, let alone in roles that require you to make some sort of sacrifice for the needs of others.  And fasting is something most religions encourage.  I always felt so proud of myself for giving something up that I enjoyed to show God how important He was to me. (Which isn’t really the point of fasting but I always felt like it made Him proud).  Basically, serving others has always been something that’s brought me great joy.   So imagine my surprise when I read that God would much rather I obey His commands than offer what I feel is some magnificent sacrifice.  What?? Really? More than me giving up social media, certain foods, COFFEE? I kind of laughed at myself for not having known that, but I guess that’s why they call the Bible the living word.  You can read it a hundred times and still find something new almost every time. 

I think the reason I felt lead to write about this topic is because my very own life is playing out this biblical principle as I type this.  Being a deeply passionate, sensitive & emotional person has its downside and my mind can get clouded with these emotions I don’t know how to process.  I used to think that my emotions and feelings were important in terms of decision making.  Because if something “felt” right, then it must be from God…right? Ha, no, not at all.  I think I have talked about this before, that I studied about how our emotions should be indicators, not dictators.  That our feelings are fleeting and essentially useless because they change so much. Therapy taught me how to process my emotions, but sometimes I forget to use the tools I’ve been given. This weekend my pastor talked about this concept too, which kind of confirmed for me that I wanted to share my experience in this.  Facts over feelings, faith over feelings.  Just because we may or may not feel a certain way about something doesn’t change the truth.  Which is why being obedient is important. Because even when we don’t feel like doing the right thing, there’s always a greater reward for doing it anyway.  And this can be applied to non-religious people as well.  But for me, my faith is central to who I am and how I live. 

Part of why I struggled with this concept I’m sure is because parenting nowadays is very different than how I grew up.  Some things I think we’re lacking greatly in, but one aspect that I try to apply is teaching my kids why some things are the way they are, or why I’m asking them to do something.  As a “why child”, I wish it was explained to me why certain things are non-negotiables.  Why following biblical principles will yield a more satisfactory life.  Why being obedient to the authority figures in my life will teach me respect and a desire to obey, regardless of the other person’s behavior.  Some people think children should be seen and not heard, that “because I said so” is a valid excuse for almost anything you ask them to do, or stop doing.  This isn’t a judgment by any means.  I just know what I’ve seen and studied in this area, and my kids are far more likely to choose the right thing if they know why it’s important.  And when an example pops up and they can see firsthand what I mean, it creates a full circle moment. 

Perhaps the biggest reason God sees obedience as more beneficial than simply sacrificing is because being obedient when you don’t know the outcome produces faith.  And if faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see, then taking that leap without knowing for sure the next step will be there provides God the chance to prove Himself.  Thus, deepening our relationship and reliance on Him.  At this point in time, I’m actually walking blindly into the next chapter of my life.  I have no clue where the resources I need are going to come from.  How I get from point A to point B.  How to get where I need to be.  But literally in the past 24 hours I’ve seen how being obedient to what He’s asking me to do has changed my heart and mindset.  That all I have to do is actually take the first step and things start falling into place.

I was explaining to a friend that I don’t know how I arrived at struggling with the things I do.  That the way I feel, having foreign thoughts I don’t recognize has created what feels like an alternate reality for me.  I mean, essentially I know what happened, but having to relearn myself and discover, or rediscover, strengths I have is a peculiar thing.  I feel at times as though I’m fighting an invisible force and I don’t know how to stop it.  Perhaps that’s spiritual warfare, something I’ve witnessed but never experienced within.  Circumstances in my life got me to the point many times where I truly didn’t care about anything.  I knew how I was feeling, that the bitterness and anger in my heart was wrong, but I absolutely did not care at all.  Because I was in the middle of the hardest chapter of my life and for once, just once, I wanted to be mad and angry at the injustice in my life.  That lasted a while and then I realized the only one I was hurting was myself, and probably my kids because I wasn’t able to be what they needed.  I cried and asked God to take the pain away.  That mindset that had me trapped in a mentality and daily lifestyle that would never get me anywhere.  He always showed up and eased my pain, but I realized I needed to make choices that would keep pushing me in the right direction.  I’d like to say that happened only once, but that would be a lie.  It became a pattern of living for a while and I truly hated it.  It stopped happening for a while, but somehow it crept in again recently.  I think all the things happening in my life at once has created a whirlwind in my mind and I feel a little unsteady.  I began to see the same pattern of thinking taking over and it scared me because I felt powerless to stop it.  Somehow I’d forgotten that I have to control my thoughts or they begin to control me.  And they did for a bit, but the clarity that has come with shifting my mindset has been amazing.  And I know it’s easier to be obedient when I don’t have intrusive thoughts swirling in my mind.   

All this to say that the bottom line is, no matter what I’m facing, or you’re facing, obeying God when our hearts and minds would rather say, “no thanks”, will make God smile and create miracles in our lives when we least expect it.  Choosing to make the right choice when it doesn’t seem pleasant or possible will open doors you never knew were there.  And if you’re like me, it may not happen when or how you want it to, but rest assured that nothing happens out of God’s timing.  As I’ve seen it said in many times over the past few months, if it’s not in God’s will, nothing can force it.  If it’s in God’s will, nothing can stop it.  I think the bigger picture is trust.  Trusting Him, trusting the unknown, trusting that when we’re obedient He will reward us in His own way.  Trusting that His ways are higher than ours and He knows our future. Obedience and surrender coexist because they basically do the same thing. Letting go and stepping out in faith is liberating, and I’m so grateful the reminders in my life, as well as the fact He doesn’t get angry no matter how many times we have to remember this truth.

It’s The Little Things

I read something years ago that said, “You’ll never look in the face of someone God doesn’t love”.  It was such a profound statement, and one I’ve often thought of when dealing with difficult people.  But really, for as long as I can remember, I’ve always loved people.  Maybe it’s my innate desire for learning new things, or the fact my life changed so much and I was constantly meeting new people, but people genuinely fascinate me.  Coming from a long life of trauma, learning about human psychology in various ways has further intrigued me into wondering how or why people function the way they do.  I’m no expert, and I certainly don’t claim to actually “know” a whole lot about anything in particular.  But I’ve learned so much over the years in my experiences that have helped me adapt to my new job.

I’ve only been a Starbucks partner for a few months, but the people I’ve met so far have given me a deeper appreciation for humanity.  Not only the people I work with, but the constant stream of customers who I occasionally get to speak to further than the basic, “how’s your day going” line.  I’ve always been aware that people thrive on affirmations, but just pointing out something as simple as their nail color, or asking what they do for a living, I’ve seen firsthand that people love to feel seen and valued.  People open up and tend to share when they sense you’re genuine, even if we don’t have a long time to chat.  It seems fairly obvious to the average person, but seeing it play out daily has been so eye opening to me.  It’s given me a different perspective on the various personalities people have, and has deeply humbled me. I’ve witnessed that for most people, it truly is the little things that matter.  And not that I’ve ever been a judgmental person, but I’m learning to fully appreciate people’s differences. This job has submerged me into a new atmosphere that I wouldn’t have experienced any other way. 

What’s funny is, I’m almost twice the age of most of my coworkers, but I’ve never felt out of place, nor has anyone made me hyper aware of the age gap.  Maybe it’s because I have children their age and my mindset is different than if I weren’t a parent, but I truly enjoy working with the people I do.  And, like I’ve learned over the years of being  mom, I can appreciate the differences each person has without comparing or secretly wishing they were different.  It’s opened my eyes to the different struggles people face, embracing each person as an individual and discovering ways I can maybe offer a word of encouragement-or maybe just a listening ear.  Realizing that no two people are exactly alike even if they are the same age has been compelling.  I think going into this position with the mindset that, even though I’m older than my coworkers, they have more experience and knowledge in this job. I hadn’t worked outside the home in over 10 years, and never in a job like this.  It’s incredibly fast-paced, demanding, and I quickly realized I would never make it without asking for help.  And not once was I made to feel like I was bothersome, it truly warms my heart that I have such great people I affectionately call my “work friends”. 

My passion has always been helping people, and I realized through therapy that it was a trauma response.  Feeling like it was my job or responsibility to help others, to offer advice even if they didn’t ask.  Not in an arrogant way like I was better, it just seemed logical to me that if I had experience in that situation it actually felt rude to not offer to help.  And not that we aren’t called to serve others, but I realized it became a weight that if I didn’t feel my “help” was adequate, or people didn’t change in the way I assumed they would from said help, I was disappointed in myself.  And really, felt like maybe God was disappointed in me.  I would cry and wonder why my “help” didn’t work.  Was it not enough, was I not enough?  There came a point in my life where I just backed off completely.  Feeling like maybe that wasn’t my calling after all.  Through that process I realized that, while my heart was in the right place, my gift needed refining.  I don’t always need to have a word of help, an answer for every question.  Sometimes listening and only offering advice when asked is better than just blurting out my opinion.  I guess I just always believed the purpose for my pain was meant to help others, but in the way I thought was best or made the most sense.  I didn’t realize that while my stories can inspire someone else, it may not always be in the way I think.  A simple example of that is a few weeks ago I covered a shift at a different store and met some new faces.  One girl made a comment about her own life that resonated with me, and all I said was I was sorry for what she was going through.  That I’d be praying for her and that I was always there for a listening ear if she wanted.  We started following each other on social media and she messaged me later thanking me for the few words I said.  And I only share this because it was truly in that moment a lightbulb lit up and I thought, “wow, I would never have guessed something so small would mean that much”. 

I kind of laugh because all these things I’m seeing I realize I’ve actually always known.  But at different times in our lives I guess we’re more or less receptive to acknowledging things.  Or maybe just seeing things played out in front of your eyes constantly makes it more real.  You can know something in your mind, but having real life examples demonstrated daily have a different impact I suppose.  It makes me sad to think that I won’t be at this job forever.  I know it was given to me for a strategic purpose and one day I’ll move on.  But the things I’ve learned already are so invaluable to me. I never would have guessed I would feel the way I do about this experience in such a short amount of time.  I never realized the true importance of growing and evolving as a person until it started happening right before my eyes.  Seeing things in ways I’d never seen before without trying is quite fascinating.  Having a deeper appreciation for humanity is how we make lasting change and I think right now it’s imperative that we all realize we’re so much more the same than we are different.  We all have the same basic needs, and people operate from different places from their experiences.  Being compassionate and embracing our differences is something our society doesn’t celebrate and it deeply saddens me because I know what it’s like to be judged.  To be made to feel like I was wrong, and if I was ever right I was made to feel guilty for it.  I never want someone to feel judged by me, or see me as arrogant.  I want people to know that it’s ok to be where they are, God always meets us where we are.  And that’s something I learned the hard way.  Sure He wants us to grow and evolve into more loving, compassionate people.  But He isn’t upset that we struggle or fall, and that has been so reassuring to me. And truly helped me look at people differently.  If I know God sees me and meets me there, then it makes me better able to do the same for someone else.

And all this to say that I am truly grateful for the things I’ve learned in such a short amount of time.  The individual people I work with have inspired me and changed me in ways I can’t fully explain.  I feel like I have a different outlook and appreciation for life, for people.  A deeper understanding into things I’ve only read about and felt like they didn’t apply to me.  I feel like I’m at a place in my life where I’m truly appreciating things for what they are and not what I wanted them to be, specifically people.  I no longer have expectations of people or what I feel I need to offer.  That not every person I meet I need to have a deep friendship with despite my love of connecting with people-I genuinely hate small talk.  There’s a time and place for it, but that deep connection to people is where I thrive. I also believe during the lockdowns, or how we have ever changing mask policies, we have to create new ways to connect with people because they can’t see your smile.  I’ve realized the desperate needs humans have to connect with an outside world. So if complimenting someone’s nail color, or hairstyle, or tattoo makes them feel valued, it’s what I want to do.   And I’ve realized that a deep connection isn’t always necessary, and that the people God intends for me to impact, or vice versa, will always find me.  That I can just appreciate each individual person for who they are, learn from them, apply these things to my life and continually grow myself.

I’m so excited about my future and where God is taking me.  To have new experiences, maybe forge new friendships with unlikely people.  Learn something new, applying it to my life and trying to help people feel seen and appreciated.  Life is ever changing, and I believe if people could take a look around and step outside of their own little worlds, we’d be in a much better place.  And if you find yourself needing a friendly smile or compliment on your new hairstyle, feel free to stop by and get a cup of coffee from your friendly neighborhood barista 😊

Dandelion Wishes

I remember many years ago being so overwhelmed as a mom of 3 kids under 6.  Stress had taken its toll on me, and it was all I could do not to succumb to depression or take some drastic action to end my suffering.  I contemplated leaving my life behind.  Running away sounded so appealing because it meant I wouldn’t be responsible for anyone else’s life when I felt I couldn’t even control my own. And not that I would ever have the ability, but I entertained the idea of ending my life, telling myself my kids would be better off.  That I grew up without a mom and they would be fine, having so many people who loved them and would make sure they were taken care of.  Each time I go through something heart-wrenching I forget previous times I felt the exact same way and it seems all brand new.  I’m pretty sure that’s a trauma response, not remembering pain from before.  Or at least not the depth of it I suppose.

I haven’t thought of that time in my life very often over the years, but when I do it breaks my heart that I ever even half-heartedly considered not watching my babies grow up.  Not being there to witness all their firsts, to comfort them when they experienced heartbreak of their own, to just be the mom I never had when that’s what drove me to have kids anyway, or beginning so young.  I desperately wanted to give something I never had.  To be the one to create memories and help shape people to go out into the world and love others the way they were loved.  I know I’ve failed many times, didn’t live up to my own expectations, and always felt I needed to do better.  But I also know deep down my heart was always in the right place, even if the actions didn’t seem like it.  Or my efforts were misunderstood.  Parents, especially moms, tend to have their own opinions of how to raise kids and some have absolutely no shame in letting you know they think you’re failing-even if not said outwardly.  (Mom-shaming is such an awful trend we need to get rid of.  We’re all just trying to do our best to not screw up our kids, empathy and compassion go a long way, just sayin’).

Part of what crossed my mind that led the train going back to that time in my life where I felt completely hopeless, is that two of my kids are adults now and leading their own lives.  My mom heart swells with pride when I see them making decisions on their own and being productive members of society.  To imagine missing out on all that because of a trying time makes me even more grateful I never followed through with what I thought was the best for them.  As I’ve said before though, I can’t even take full credit for who they are because they’re fortunate enough have many people in their lives who taught them things I couldn’t.  Or things they “didn’t hear” me say because, well, I’m mom.  But something else is that I recently thought of is to get a tattoo with all my kids as they turn 18.  Years ago I met a girl with a dandelion tattoo on her arm.  Her reason was that her mom always joked she was a weed that would never leave the house. I chuckled as she explained her Asian culture believed kids needed to become “uber successful”, and “she only worked at AT&T”. I thought of that over the years and it kind of made me sad for her, even though she was so light-hearted in telling her story.  The more I thought of it, the more I realized the significance for me was not that dandelions are technically pestilent weeds. What does everyone think of when they see them?  A wish!  Every kid has picked one up, made a wish, and blew the little petals off as hard as they could.  And my childhood wish was that I would be a mom and have a large family one day.  Being a mom of 6, I’d say I got my wish!

The deeper meaning in my mind is that they were all a part of me at some point.  During pregnancy they were literally dependent on me to live, in infancy they needed me for their basic needs, in early childhood they needed me to comfort and be there for them as they learned independence, and the list goes on.  As they become adults and make their own lives, their need for me dwindles.  Which sounds a little depressing, but to me it’s beautiful because they, like seeds, scatter and make families of their own.  They make their own wishes and grow more people who love people and make the world a better place.

Tonight my daughter sent me a picture of a dandelion tattoo with the phrase, “I gave them life, they gave me a reason to live”, and it made me so emotional because mine truly have. Especially during the times they were truly my only reason to live.  I’ve said many times being a mom is by far my greatest blessing, and calling, in life.  I have a little polaroid picture of them all from last Christmas that hangs on a memo board in my office.  There have been so many times I’ve glanced over at that and started bawling-usually during my prayer time.  It is unbelievably humbling to me that God not only chose me to fulfill His divine purpose, He chose me to be the mom of so many children. When I pray with my littles, I love saying, “thank you Lord for choosing me to be, insert their name’s mom”, so they always know how lucky I feel to have them.

It overwhelms my heart all the time because I truly don’t feel worthy.  Not in a self-deprecating, depressive way. Just that sometimes, in the best possible way, I think, “why me”?  I’ve also said I love people, and my kids are my people, they truly are the best thing to ever happen to me.  This past year has been one of the most challenging in my life, and if it weren’t for them, I don’t know how I would have gotten through. (Not to diminish my friends who have also helped me tremendously by any means. One day I’ll write about that because I wouldn’t have gotten through without them as well).  My kids have been my motivation to keep going, to keep fighting, to get up every morning and thank God I’m alive.  I can attest that an attitude of gratitude, annoying and cliché as it can be, is definitely a good place to start when you can barely get out of bed. Learning to be grateful for what you DO have, as opposed to what you don’t helps put things into perspective.  And if every day the only thing I could think of to be grateful for was my kids, it helped me realize my purpose in life.  Not that my identity is solely in being a mom, I just believe with my whole heart I was always meant to be a mom and God designed me this way.  

I also know from firsthand experience forcing yourself to put the needs of someone else above yourself is far more satisfying than living with a “me”, self-centered mentality. And I don’t say that judgmentally, it’s simply the truth and something I’m living proof of.  Whether it be via children, a spouse, friends or family, choosing to live to be a blessing to someone else will always yield a more satisfied life than the alternative.  Granted, you have to adopt the mindset that other people aren’t a nuisance or not worth it.  The times I’ve battled with depression I can tell you it’s because I was focusing on myself.  MY pain, MY expectations, MY frustrations or inability to foretell the future of MY life.  Having those “me” moments is normal and not inherently a bad thing, it’s how we choose to act afterwards.  And I don’t mean that to diminish the importance of self-care, we all have to take care of our well-being first to be effective at helping anyone else. As the saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup. The key is to bring yourself to an awareness that life is more than how we’ll fulfill our own needs and desires. 

Parenting is a long, difficult, trying, but also a rewarding and fulfilling journey.  The newborn stage is more challenging for some, whereas the toddler years are for others.  And we can all agree that the teenage years, especially in girls, can override any frustration of previous stages.  But at some point you (hopefully) stop and look in the faces of these people you created and see nothing but overwhelming joy.  I don’t think I’ve ever met a parent of an adult child who said all that hard work wasn’t worth it.  You get to see the fruits of all the hard work, prayers, and years invested into molding and shaping the future generation. 

I regret not realizing the importance of teaching my older kiddos to pray on their own from an early age, or praying with them as they got older as much as I should have.  One memory I’ll never forget is when my oldest son was about 10 or 11.  I made a comment about how I prayed for them frequently, and he responded with, “oh, is that why I have a good day every day?  Oh my heart!  I giggled and said, “yes, I suppose’.  And then thought to myself, “not to mention your naturally optimistic outlook on life”-I will take credit for that because I truly believe innate optimism is genetics.  To see the outcome of all the prayers I’ve prayed over them is absolutely the most precious thing and way to believe God exists, next to newborns of course.  And knowing they pray for me as well? Wow, there are no words to describe how sweet it is or how it warms my heart!

I couldn’t imagine my life without any one of them. As they’ve grown into these unique individuals, developing a relationship outside of the type of parenting that comes with small children, I get to simply enjoy them.  My oldest and I have become close lately, something I honestly wasn’t sure would ever happen when she was younger.  Complicated circumstances, strong-willed and independent behaviors led me to feel hopeless we’d ever truly be connected as mom and daughter.  She’s been so encouraging to me lately though, and because of our small age gap I sometimes find myself having to remember she’s my daughter and not just a good friend (insert laughing face).  Social anxiety is something I dealt with until somewhat recently, so I relate when she tells me she gets nervous to call for important things.  And let’s be honest, when your adult child needs you, it’s actually a great feeling! So I don’t mind these rare moments she needs me for something trivial.

I really could talk endlessly about how much I enjoy being a mom.  I actually didn’t even realize how much so until I was able to process my own childhood trauma. And I suppose I feel comfortable sharing my stories because, while I didn’t feel or believe it in those moments, I am deeply grateful for every single trial I’ve faced.  Reading about how much I struggled last year when we experienced a worldwide pandemic, I’m beyond ecstatic that I’ve overcome the hopelessness I wasn’t sure would ever end. Family, friends, Bible study, and my children all got me through.  And, if I’m honest, I’m not entirely through one of the biggest challenges I’ll ever face.  But I know who holds my future, and I can say without wavering confidence that I trust Him with every fiber of my being.  He has been faithful, reassuring (especially in times I was frustrated with myself for doubting), steadfast, and ultimately the only Father I’ve ever had an intimate relationship with.  He’s proven His existence time and time again, in many different ways, and certainly built my ability to trust Him when He doesn’t have to.  I love flipping through my Bible and seeing answered prayers, countless times He led me to a verse I didn’t know I needed, or revelations He gave me through His word.  It’s mind blowing sometimes to see the consistency of His heart speaking to me.

And all this to say life is all about perspective.  Some see a weed, some see a wish.  I know many of my previous blogs have talked about this very thing.  Some of us are naturally optimistic, some, not so much. But no matter which side of the spectrum you land on, I think it’s important to remember grace. We’re all imperfect people just trying to find our way in the world while juggling a million other things.  As someone who’s endured far more than my fair share of pain in my almost 39 years, I believe in the end all things work together for His glory and nothing is wasted. Even if you can’t see it now, I pray one day you will, that nothing you go through is all for naught.

Please know that He loves you, and even if we’ve never met, know that I pray over every single blog I write and trust that He uses my life to minister to those who need encouragement, relatability, or even simply a prayer warrior.  Feel free to reach out and share your own stories with me if you like, I love hearing how God uses us to help others in His kingdom!

Ramblings

Something I’ve come to realize lately, is that for some reason when life gets hard and my emotions get the better of me, I distance myself emotionally from God. I retreat and sulk, wondering when this trial will end.   I’d trained myself for a while to push through the resistance I felt in my heart, listening to music and worshiping, praying and asking Him to help me. But I’ve noticed that I feel a disconnect from Him in the hard times.  I just realized that it’s because I feel He isn’t actually “protecting” me, and maybe that’s why it’s easier for me to feel this way.  Growing up with one trauma after the other, my mind has wondered, “why didn’t God protect me from these circumstances beyond my control”?   I know that’s not what He wants. I know He’s always been there. I also know that He’s been using these hard times to grow my faith deeper, and for that I am extremely grateful.  I just wish I didn’t feel so blah about it, or feel like nothing is happening, that He isn’t working 

 The Bible is full of verses that say He’s our defender, the One we go to in times of trouble and sorrow, the One who lifts us up out of the snares of our enemies…yet I’ve been through so many events that made me feel the complete opposite of protected, or defended.  As an adult in those moments I would go through the routine of acknowledging He is in control, focus on prayer, seek His will through each situation.  But it literally just occurred to me that my trauma response internally was to actually hide from God because I didn’t feel protected in those moments as a child.  Whoa! (What’s funny is, I may have actually realized this before, but I’m human and oftentimes need to remember something many times before it sticks).

I’ve been doing therapy for a couple months now and I’m discovering that the disturbing things I’ve gone through in my life have shaped me in one way or another.  Part of me always knew that, but digging deeper into the “how”, and automatic responses or defense mechanisms has been very fascinating to me.  Human psychology has always piqued my interest, but going through my own experiences has really opened my eyes to the way our brains and nervous system were so intricately designed. 

I’d spent so much time running from my past, telling myself it didn’t define me, all the while it actually had and I was just unaware of how.  I told myself it didn’t matter what I’d been through. God is the ultimate healer and wouldn’t want me chained to something I truly believed He’d healed me from.  Being able to express to someone trained in the area of trauma, as well as having her help me break these things down, has truly been a God-send.  I said at one point that when I did therapy years ago I didn’t realize I lacked the ability to be empathetic to myself.  But looking at all these horrible things that happened to me, processing the weight of each situation and giving it God wholly, has been such a relief to my heart.  I’ve always felt I was letting things go, but in reality, my heart didn’t know how.  A tool my therapist has given me is to put things in a box, or container, something that can be locked.  Then, hand that to God and access it only when you need to.  That sounds kind of cheesy or silly, but it actually works!  Being able to put things away, so to speak, has helped me process things that need my attention in the present moment.  

I’ve talked about this so many times before, but I wish I could close the gap of “knowing” and “believing”.  Maybe it’s because I’ve built up the way I think something “should” feel when I’m on the right path.  Or that I could apply my knowledge to help affect the belief.  Like something magical is going to happen and just all of a sudden change my mind.  I think not fully understanding the correlation between human behavior, as in, how He created us, and what we should do with those emotions, is part of my problem.  I was thinking to myself how disheartening it can be at times to be such an emotional person and feel things so deeply, but then also know the Bible says that our hearts are deceitful above all else.  That we shouldn’t trust our emotions to lead or guide us, yet I’ve become one of the most emotional people I know.

I think being able to bridge the gap between normal emotional responses and God’s word is what He’s working on in me right now. And likely has been for some time.  I think sometimes it’s confusing to me to know what’s “normal” growth, such as growing as an adult, and what’s a trauma response.  It seems as though the things I’ve asked for God to develop have been taking place without my being consciously aware of it.  I’ve asked Him to take me deeper, to grow my faith, and I suppose I’ve assumed it would happen through how I felt as opposed to going through the situations that would produce those results.  I know that’s how He teaches us, I guess I just don’t think of it when it’s happening.

I really want to understand how to process my emotions in a healthy way and truly let things go.  And through that, I would love to be able to take my knowledge and experience and help someone else, which is ultimately why I began writing and sharing my stories.  Having a heart to help others has been a driving force for me as long as I can remember.  And really, with the past 4 months being the way they’ve been, I’ve had nothing but time to sit in the middle of all my pain and heartache.  It’s like everything happened all at once and overtook me. I still feel overwhelmed by it all at times.  But I’m trying as hard as I can to hone in on what I’ve learned and not allow myself to stay in this pit.  I focused on taking one day at a time, but somewhere along the way I let all the weight push me down further and further.  It’s literally taken everything inside me to get up most days, and I hate that I’ve succumbed to sadness and feelings of hopelessness.  It feels very out of character for me.  But I’m trying to see God’s hand in it all and trust that this valley won’t last forever.  That therapy is a gift from Him to be the person He’s called me to be.  A healthy person from the depths of my soul, not someone who’s trained their brain to act like everything is fine.

I’m so grateful for therapy, it’s helped me think and process information even after my sessions. I’m equally grateful for a platform to be able to share my heart without fear of judgment.  And I pray that this reaches all those who need to hear it.  Getting feedback from people when something I’m going through resonates with them is far more gratifying than I ever would have imagined.  If you’re struggling, please know you’re not alone and this pandemic has been hard on us all.  I truly believe God has used this time for different reasons in each of our lives, and I can’t wait to look back and see all the work He’s done!  Sometimes all we need is to quiet our hearts, our minds, and listen to what He’s saying. 

God Only Knows

You know, it’s funny when we set out to do things that are well-intentioned, then fail to follow through with it. I hope I’m not alone when I say this happens to me far more often than I care to admit. I’m sure I’ve said before that when I began blogging a few years ago, I planned to do it more frequently because it was therapeutic for me, and I realized that things I go through tend to be relevant to more people than I ever anticipated.  Life happens though, and I’ve found myself feeling less and less inspired to write.   Given the current state of our world, it felt like an appropriate time to sit down and express things I’m struggling with.

Through other circumstances in my life, I’ve come to realize that, though I thought I was surrendering to God and fully trusted Him, it turns out that when chaos hits I tend to question Him unknowingly.  I was spending some time in prayer the other day, asking Him to help me with trusting people who have hurt me in the past, and He revealed to me that it wasn’t the person I didn’t trust, it was HIM.  That I didn’t trust Him to protect me from harm.  My instinctive reaction was denial, I’ve said many times before out loud how much I trust Him.  Being able to purchase our beautiful home was, to me, a leap of faith, and all the trust I had in me surrendered to Him.  So maybe at that point I did, but sometimes when life gets crazy and I can’t see the outcome, my trust tends to waiver. And honestly it’s incredibly frustrating to me that it happens that way.  Why do I forget in times of trouble all the times before He’s brought me through it?

As I was journaling after my prayer, I was thinking back on things that have happened to me beyond my control, circumstances that had nothing to do with the choices I’ve made. It hit me that in the past I struggled with feeling like God truly loved me, because if He did, why would He allow these things to happen? I felt guilty for feeling that way, so I pushed it aside and moved forward with my life.  Apparently when you don’t deal with things as they happen, they resurface-who knew?   I began to think about that, not trusting God with my future, and I  know it sounds insane if you’re a believer, but sometimes it doesn’t feel like He has my best interest at heart.  I can rationalize to someone else that God doesn’t cause things to happen, but He will allow things for, oftentimes, reasons only He’ll ever know.  Why did He allow my mom to be taken from me at such a young age? And in a way that I was witness to it? Why take my brother from me after we’d only gotten close the 2 years before he was killed?  Things don’t always make sense, and because I never processed the healing appropriately, it’s come back in full swing and I’m currently struggling to make sense of things.  Life feels unusually hard right now. I’m struggling to be my normal, happy-go-lucky self, struggling to get out of bed, struggling to give my kids the routine they so desperately need.

If you know me, you know I’ve always been one to pick myself up and keep moving.  I’ve always been self-motivated, never needed outside motivation from anyone. I’ve always been passionate about helping others (which is the main reason I started blogging), and right now I just can’t motivate myself to do anything but feel sad about life.  Having my kids home with me every day is honestly something I thoroughly enjoy.  But having to home-school them when they’re struggling to process what’s going on in their own minds has been far more challenging than I ever expected. And maybe they’re absorbing my emotions, which makes me feel worse, but I am having the hardest time overcoming this funk.  Usually I can tell myself to knock it off, it’s not that bad, life goes on, etc.  And though I can’t really get into specific details on every aspect of what’s going on, I know it’s contributing to my mood and I feel so overwhelmed.

So why do I say these things? Why share my struggles? Because they’re real, they’re me, and I think right now people need to know it’s okay to struggle. I don’t say it to garner sympathy, that’s not my forte.  Having always been such an optimistic person, I would write these realizations or revelations in hopes of inspiring at least one person.  But right now I’m in the tunnel, I’m in the dark places of my mind clinging to the sadness and heartbreak. My kids are missing out on precious social time with their friends. Missing out on critical education that, despite the online lessons they’re doing, isn’t the same as classroom time. But more than that, I’m sad that my senior is missing out on what should have been the best part of his time in high school. Prom, senior night, but more specifically, graduation.  I know things will get better, and I pray they postpone graduation and not cancel altogether.  But right now I guess I want to be sad for all the times I told myself to just “get over it, emotions and crying don’t solve problems”.  I want to just allow myself to feel what I’m feeling and know that at some point I’ll snap out of it.  Bad times don’t last forever, but right now it’s what I need to grow, and then be strong for my kids.

I do want to dig deep and figure out why my faith and trust in God waivers so easily when I feel overwhelmed.  More than anything I want to be a person with unshakable faith and be an example to my kids, friends, people that cross my path.  I desperately want to be strong and be the person people come to when they’re feeling overwhelmed.  All my life my passion has been helping other people, but I guess sometimes even the helpers need help.  It’s times like these I wish I had my mom to go to for advice, or just have someone who knows me the way only a mom can, who would simply listen and comfort me. I know God wants me to depend on Him, and I do, or am trying to. But sometimes there’s no replacement for a physical person who can wrap their arms around you and tell you, “it’s going to be okay”.

I typically reference a song in my posts because music is so encouraging to me.  One that I’ve listened to a lot lately is “God Only Knows” by For King and Country.  The lyrics are a great reminder that He is the only one who knows the depths of our hearts, the depth of the pain we feel at times.  And He is the only one who can truly satisfy us.  Another song that’s helped me focus on Him and not my circumstances is “Defender” by Francesca Battistelli.  It’s such a great reminder that His way is the best way and we will never regret following His lead.

I’ll close by saying that if you’re struggling to have faith right now in these uncertain times, please know you’re not alone. Things are changing daily and it seems really scary because we’ve never been through this before.  We all go through hard times, and if I’ve learned anything through everything I’ve been through, it’s that there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. Better days are coming and I can’t wait to look back on this and see how God grew me and my faith!