Egypt

I’ve been thinking a lot about the current events in the world. Watching biblical prophecy come to fruition, seeing the need to seek God more than ever. I never thought I’d witness what’s going on, let alone be in the middle of raising kids while these events are unfolding. And it’s made me realize how important it is to be so saturated in pursuing God wholeheartedly. I grew up in church and have never known a life apart from Him. Granted, my life and its circumstances have grown me and deepened my faith more than I ever expected, but He’s always been what I lean on when things around me are going crazy. All of this has also made me realize that we’re in a time that being a lukewarm Christian just won’t suffice. He needs people on fire for Him, a passion to serve Him and others, a longing to hear from Him. Seeking His heart and desires for us that carry into our daily lives and not just a weekly meeting with other believers.

I came across a term years ago that I’d not heard until that point, Kingdom partner. I loved the way it sounded, so powerful and warrior-esque. The image in my mind was husband and wife fighting evil, next to each other, looking to God, a true partnership. It’s not something I’d experienced, but I wanted to. My heart’s desire to serve God began as a small girl when my mom passed. My grandma was the first person to take me to church, and we went regularly when she became my caregiver. I remember hearing her talk about God to others, she explained how she believed things happen for a reason, and that we were to serve Him in whatever way we were called to. I’ve known since I was around 5 years old that I was different from my peers. Part of that I’m sure is early childhood trauma and an otherwise “abnormal” life than what they’d experienced. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that most people are comfortable going to church on Sundays, living a “normal” or comfortable life. I completely get it because I’ve been known to do so myself. It’s difficult when you’re working, raising babies, etc. But lately I feel so much more impassioned and feeling that we need to rise up and be the warriors we were called to be. Surrendering our plans, seeking His heart, His will for our lives. To focus on how we can fiercely defend the innocent, our children, and raise the next generation to be God fearing.

I believe a lot of people are unaware of the spiritual warfare going on, even within the church. Now is not the time to shrink back and stay quiet, satan is constantly prowling around trying to dismantle what God has created. The family unit especially, and now more than ever, families have to stand against it. Which brings me to the point of having a kingdom partner. I don’t know the biblical accuracy, my research was brief, but I’ve heard it said that the only mention the Bible makes in regards to a spouse is finding someone you’d want to go to war with. Such a powerful image, it matched perfectly the image I had of “kingdom partner”, so I assume there’s an intentional relevance. I mentioned in my last post that I’d met someone who I wholeheartedly know God brought to me in His perfect timing to help me through this new chapter of my life. I’ve come to realize that he is my kingdom partner, the one I’d prayed for since I was a little girl, and more specifically since I became single. A man who would serve God with me, lead me, our family, love Him more than me and someone I could go to war with. I don’t understand why God allows what He does, but I’ve come to trust Him more than anyone or anything, I take comfort in knowing that He has a beautiful plan unfolding even when I can’t see it.

This man God has sent me is the kindest, gentlest, most incredible and humble soul I’ve ever met. He has 2 sons whom I’ve come to love as my own, and I absolutely love being a part of their lives. I knew from the very first time we talked that he was different, but I wasn’t actively looking to date or get into a relationship so I didn’t give it much thought. I realized we had a lot in common, similar life stories and background, and I was excited to meet someone whom I could really relate to. The relatability and similarities helped us connect on a deeper level, and I realized very quickly something felt different. But again, I didn’t give it too much thought because I was just coming to a point of being content on my own and independent. One thing that I’ve learned most about God is His ways are not mine, His timing is not mine, and He moves in His own ways-even, and especially, if it seems crazy to the human mind and comprehension. In fact, I can tell you from my own life’s experiences, if it’s logical, reasonable, can be explained or tied up in a perfect little bow of, “yeah, that makes sense”, it’s 99.99999% not from God. For whatever reason, He operates in ways that we can’t understand or make sense of. To be honest, it’s kind of fun, and funny, to witness. I also love surprises so watching Him work is extra exciting to me.

To add my previous point, the Bible doesn’t give a lot of information for dating, the length of time one “should date” before marriage, or really anything of the sort. Something I actually never considered or was aware of until my recent singledom. So, because of that, because I’ve been married since I was 17, this has been a rather interesting time for me. I know in the depths of my heart I wasn’t meant to be single, having a partner and family is the most important thing to me. I also realized there was some healing that needed to take place, my caretaker desires and abilities stemmed from unmet needs as a child-and being a people-pleaser. Spending 3 years alone, but not really wanting to pursue dating, nor being in the position to, taught me how to take care of myself. Being a mom or someone’s wife was all I’d known, and I knew God was using that time to grow me. Teaching me my worth and value as the person He created and had a plan for, not just an identity from my position in the world.

Being where I am in my journey, taking everything I know into consideration; applying what I know, factoring in the countless prayers and wholehearted submission to God, I feel like I’m in the best place I’ve ever been. Sure, I have some things I’m still working on and healing from, but overall I feel incredibly content and settled within myself. Which is actually a very foreign feeling for me, so I’m trying to absorb every moment I can. And to be transparent and vulnerable, I want to mention that I just found out I have breast cancer. A ductal tumor that I’ll begin treatment for soon, but I see how God brought me the support I needed to get through this new journey. I have family that are supportive of course, which I’m incredibly grateful for. But God knows me and my needs, and I can’t imagine having to go through this without a partner by my side.

Having said all that, and going back to having a kingdom partner, I believe everything I’ve been through has led me to this point. To be so rooted in my faith, so dependent on God and seeking His will, so at peace with where He leads me. Feeling confident in my decision making, knowing in my heart it’s the path I’m meant to be on. And with this man by my side, I know without a shadow of a doubt he’s the one I’m meant to walk beside the rest of my days, go to war with, the one God Himself hand-picked to be my kingdom partner. It’s…I haven’t discovered the word that quite fits the definition of how I feel about it. But it’s peaceful beyond understanding, something I couldn’t have done on my own. Literally an answer to many, many tear filled prayers. It hasn’t been very long in terms of how we measure time, but we’ve both had so many confirmations that we’d be fools to not recognize it for what it is. His hand at work, His heart for us and a great way to bring Him glory.

To find someone who loves with a depth I’ve never experienced, who sees me in a way I’ve never been seen, and who cares for me in a way no one ever has can only be explained through divine ordination. For me, he is God’s love for me made visible, it’s incredible. I can’t recall ever feeling so deeply that I was truly at the center of God’s will for my life. I didn’t search for him, I didn’t make an attempt to find someone, I was perfectly content to be single for the rest of my life. I say all the time that I’m grateful God knows what we need, even if it doesn’t align with what we want or think we need. My most favorite aspect of being a follower of Christ is knowing that He works all things together for His good, His glory. I see with great clarity the plans He has for he and I, the ways He’ll use us to further His kingdom, the purpose in which He brought us together. It’s exciting, yet brings contentment and peace to my heart when I envision the things we’ll do with the tools He’s equipped us with, to serve and glorify Him. To have someone by my side who has the same desires as me, to not be satisfied with just a Sunday church service, but rather a partner who’s just as passionate about his calling and will literally go to war with me is the culmination of 40 plus years of prayer and submission to Him, waiting for His timing.

All I’ve ever wanted was to have a life only God can take credit for, to show people He is real and desires a relationship with us. To live a peaceful life, raise babies and watch them have babies of their own. To build a legacy for Him, growing a family that honors and glorifies Him. For the first time in my life I can see those things coming to fruition. All the hard work, pain, suffering, heartache, abuse and loss of friendships is a thousand percent worth it for me. If I had to do that another hundred times so that my kids wouldn’t have to endure it once, or live a life of agony to have the man I have now, I would in a heartbeat! And I don’t say that lightly, I’ve been through some pretty intense pain. But I feel that to the depths of my soul. Every moment was worth it because it led me to the greatest chapter of my life. The one where I no longer struggle and fight, but where I get a front row seat to the amazing things God has planned for my kids, the boys I consider my own, and my kingdom partner and I!

**Because 9 times out of 10 I have a song that resonates so deeply, this post is appropriately titled “Egypt” because of the song by Cory Asbury. The lyrics fit the theme of this post and what I’ve watched God do in my life over the past 3 years.

“You stepped into my Egypt, you took me by the hand. You marched me out in freedom, into the Promised Land. And now I will not forget you God, I’ll sing of all you’ve done, death is swallowed up forever, by the fury of your love”. The first time I heard this song was live at church, and not surprisingly, it moved me to tears because of its relevance. Music is, has, and will always be my favorite form of artistry. Its ability to invoke such deep emotion, resonate within my soul, and be the string of words I couldn’t articulate myself will never cease to amaze me. I’ll link the song so you can listen for yourself. I pray it speaks to you the way it does me!

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=dUbpSpDA2so&feature=shared

God Only Knows

You know, it’s funny when we set out to do things that are well-intentioned, then fail to follow through with it. I hope I’m not alone when I say this happens to me far more often than I care to admit. I’m sure I’ve said before that when I began blogging a few years ago, I planned to do it more frequently because it was therapeutic for me, and I realized that things I go through tend to be relevant to more people than I ever anticipated.  Life happens though, and I’ve found myself feeling less and less inspired to write.   Given the current state of our world, it felt like an appropriate time to sit down and express things I’m struggling with.

Through other circumstances in my life, I’ve come to realize that, though I thought I was surrendering to God and fully trusted Him, it turns out that when chaos hits I tend to question Him unknowingly.  I was spending some time in prayer the other day, asking Him to help me with trusting people who have hurt me in the past, and He revealed to me that it wasn’t the person I didn’t trust, it was HIM.  That I didn’t trust Him to protect me from harm.  My instinctive reaction was denial, I’ve said many times before out loud how much I trust Him.  Being able to purchase our beautiful home was, to me, a leap of faith, and all the trust I had in me surrendered to Him.  So maybe at that point I did, but sometimes when life gets crazy and I can’t see the outcome, my trust tends to waiver. And honestly it’s incredibly frustrating to me that it happens that way.  Why do I forget in times of trouble all the times before He’s brought me through it?

As I was journaling after my prayer, I was thinking back on things that have happened to me beyond my control, circumstances that had nothing to do with the choices I’ve made. It hit me that in the past I struggled with feeling like God truly loved me, because if He did, why would He allow these things to happen? I felt guilty for feeling that way, so I pushed it aside and moved forward with my life.  Apparently when you don’t deal with things as they happen, they resurface-who knew?   I began to think about that, not trusting God with my future, and I  know it sounds insane if you’re a believer, but sometimes it doesn’t feel like He has my best interest at heart.  I can rationalize to someone else that God doesn’t cause things to happen, but He will allow things for, oftentimes, reasons only He’ll ever know.  Why did He allow my mom to be taken from me at such a young age? And in a way that I was witness to it? Why take my brother from me after we’d only gotten close the 2 years before he was killed?  Things don’t always make sense, and because I never processed the healing appropriately, it’s come back in full swing and I’m currently struggling to make sense of things.  Life feels unusually hard right now. I’m struggling to be my normal, happy-go-lucky self, struggling to get out of bed, struggling to give my kids the routine they so desperately need.

If you know me, you know I’ve always been one to pick myself up and keep moving.  I’ve always been self-motivated, never needed outside motivation from anyone. I’ve always been passionate about helping others (which is the main reason I started blogging), and right now I just can’t motivate myself to do anything but feel sad about life.  Having my kids home with me every day is honestly something I thoroughly enjoy.  But having to home-school them when they’re struggling to process what’s going on in their own minds has been far more challenging than I ever expected. And maybe they’re absorbing my emotions, which makes me feel worse, but I am having the hardest time overcoming this funk.  Usually I can tell myself to knock it off, it’s not that bad, life goes on, etc.  And though I can’t really get into specific details on every aspect of what’s going on, I know it’s contributing to my mood and I feel so overwhelmed.

So why do I say these things? Why share my struggles? Because they’re real, they’re me, and I think right now people need to know it’s okay to struggle. I don’t say it to garner sympathy, that’s not my forte.  Having always been such an optimistic person, I would write these realizations or revelations in hopes of inspiring at least one person.  But right now I’m in the tunnel, I’m in the dark places of my mind clinging to the sadness and heartbreak. My kids are missing out on precious social time with their friends. Missing out on critical education that, despite the online lessons they’re doing, isn’t the same as classroom time. But more than that, I’m sad that my senior is missing out on what should have been the best part of his time in high school. Prom, senior night, but more specifically, graduation.  I know things will get better, and I pray they postpone graduation and not cancel altogether.  But right now I guess I want to be sad for all the times I told myself to just “get over it, emotions and crying don’t solve problems”.  I want to just allow myself to feel what I’m feeling and know that at some point I’ll snap out of it.  Bad times don’t last forever, but right now it’s what I need to grow, and then be strong for my kids.

I do want to dig deep and figure out why my faith and trust in God waivers so easily when I feel overwhelmed.  More than anything I want to be a person with unshakable faith and be an example to my kids, friends, people that cross my path.  I desperately want to be strong and be the person people come to when they’re feeling overwhelmed.  All my life my passion has been helping other people, but I guess sometimes even the helpers need help.  It’s times like these I wish I had my mom to go to for advice, or just have someone who knows me the way only a mom can, who would simply listen and comfort me. I know God wants me to depend on Him, and I do, or am trying to. But sometimes there’s no replacement for a physical person who can wrap their arms around you and tell you, “it’s going to be okay”.

I typically reference a song in my posts because music is so encouraging to me.  One that I’ve listened to a lot lately is “God Only Knows” by For King and Country.  The lyrics are a great reminder that He is the only one who knows the depths of our hearts, the depth of the pain we feel at times.  And He is the only one who can truly satisfy us.  Another song that’s helped me focus on Him and not my circumstances is “Defender” by Francesca Battistelli.  It’s such a great reminder that His way is the best way and we will never regret following His lead.

I’ll close by saying that if you’re struggling to have faith right now in these uncertain times, please know you’re not alone. Things are changing daily and it seems really scary because we’ve never been through this before.  We all go through hard times, and if I’ve learned anything through everything I’ve been through, it’s that there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. Better days are coming and I can’t wait to look back on this and see how God grew me and my faith!

Thy Will Be Done

It was brought to my attention that I hadn’t blogged in quite some time, so I decided to sit down and collect my thoughts for a post.  There have been many things going on in my life, and certain realizations/revelations I’d considered sharing, but I just never made it a priority to write it down.  There are several things that have happened that have caused me to stop and ponder what God may be trying to show me.

I’ll start off with a milestone that took place a week ago, but in my favorite “storytelling” way:

Back to school time is always a little bittersweet for me.  I’m sure most moms feel that way, but for me, there’s more than the obvious “they’re growing so fast” theme that crosses my mind every August.  I started Kindergarten less than 3 months after I lost my mom, and her birthday always falls right around back to school time.  Plus, every couple of years or so one of my kids enters a milestone that always makes a little more sappy than usual.

Most every August I also think about how my grandma had just lost her only daughter and was taking on the responsibility of raising two more kids.  She hadn’t enrolled kids in school in about 20 years and was frantic in making sure everything was done so my sister and I could start the first day with everyone else.  I vividly remember that I wore a purple dress and a lighter purple bow made of yarn in my hair on my first day of Kindergarten.  I was equally excited and nervous, as are most kids, and I just kept thinking about what it might be like and if I’d make any friends. I won’t go into a lot of detail because, quite frankly, the only things I really remember about Kindergarten is painting a lot, story time, graham crackers & milk, and getting sent to time out for talking too much-that trait runs in the family, I didn’t have choice.

I sent my youngest son to Kindergarten last Monday, and it dawned on me that he’s the first of my 6 kids to create such an over-abundance of feelings that caused a huge lump in my throat.  I know I’ve always been excited for my kids to start school, but I’ve never felt so emotional about it.  Perhaps it’s because he didn’t go to traditional Pre-K so this was my first “sending off” milestone with him.  Perhaps it’s because he’s my youngest son, my last boy to leave me and go off to the days where I’m no longer the only one he turns to for help.  Perhaps it’s because he’s a little more introverted and sensitive and my heart is afraid for him, despite how much I know he’ll be fine.

I just think there are memories and events that have happened to me that have been locked in my mind, and when a similar event happens, these emotions come out of me that I’m not sure how to process.  Combine that with the emotion that already comes with childhood milestones every parent goes through and bam, you get one emotional cocktail.  So, I guess all I can do is what I’ve been doing since I became a mother for the first time-pray that I’ve done the best I can and know that God loves them more than I ever could, and that He’s got them in the palm of His hands.

Going back to what really began this descent into a rollercoaster of emotions, I’m going to backtrack a little, 4 weeks to be exact.  I was out shopping with my mother in law when I found out that my ex-husband’s brother in law had passed away in a tragic water accident. Oddly enough, the night before I’d gotten a breaking news alert from ABC that someone had drowned where my ex-husband and kids live, and it gave me a weird feeling.  I even said to my husband, “I hope that wasn’t my ex”.

I’m an empath by nature, so my heart immediately broke for this man’s parents, his sister, and my kids, as well as for my ex since they were really close.  I know death is a natural part of life, but this was the first time it hit so close to home for my kids and I just felt helpless to protect them from the pain I have become so familiar with.  God has an amazing way of working things out though, because coincidentally the day it happened, my 8-year old daughter was staying with me while she attended a Theater Skills Workshop.  I was asked not to tell her, that he would the day she went back to her dad’s for the week…that was probably the hardest 3 days of my life as a mom.  I just kept imagining how hard she was going to take it and I cried a lot that week, for her, for the family, my kids, it was a lot to process.

What amazes me about life, our spirituality, is the ability to feel someone else’s pain so immensely you’d think it happened to you.  Music, as most people in my life know, is therapeutic for me and I especially love when songs relate to something in my life.  If you listen to Country, or Christian music, you’ve heard of Lady A, or Hillary Scott, the lead female vocalist.  She certainly has a God-given talent for sure.  Her latest song, “Thy Will” got my attention not too long ago for the lyrical content and message to people about how it’s ok to question God as long as you remember that, ultimately, His will overpowers anyone else’s—and that He’s ok with us coming to Him with questions.  The day after I heard about the accident I was taking my daughter to her class and on my way back the song came on.  I got a little teary eyed because I just felt God reminding me that He always has a plan despite our pain.  But the part that just tore my heart open was where you can clearly hear the pain in her voice, the raw emotion when she sings, “I know you see me, I know you hear me, Lord; your plans are for me, goodness You have in store”.  My heart used it as an opportunity to pray and I sang instead, “I know you see them, I know you hear them, Lord; Your plans are for them, goodness You have in store”, and I sobbed pretty much the rest of the way home.  Four weeks later and the song still brings me to tears, but also gives me hope knowing He’s close to the broken-hearted.

I truly believe tragedy connects us to people, even those we may not have a close relationship with.  It unites people in a way I believe God uses for us to understand true compassion, humility, grace, love, etc.  I’d never even met personally this man my kids loved so dearly.  But knowing the pain it caused them, his parents, his sister, and even my ex-husband, just broke my heart into tiny pieces.  I know what it’s like to lose a brother and I saw firsthand what losing a child did to my grandparents, and little Isabel’s parents last year. It’s a pain that cuts deep and I feel is unlike any other.  It still boggles my mind that I could be so emotionally distraught over something that didn’t happen to someone in my immediate family. I am, however, so thankful for the gift of empathy because it helps me understand how God feels when we’re hurt.  It makes Him more relatable to me and less like a magical being in the sky that is just here to answer prayers and satisfy our needs.  It makes Him a father, a parent, a protector.  And I truly believe He’s used this tragedy to open my eyes to a deeper part of Himself, and to deepen my relationship with Him.  Every time I hear that song I pray for the family, my kids, his girlfriend, whom I think most people overlook in situations like this.

I’d asked if I could be present when my little girl was told about the accident, and the gratitude in my heart I feel for being able to comfort her is beyond words.  I knew she was going to be so heartbroken, she loved him so much and was, as I was told, glued to his hip.  Seeing the pain in her face as her daddy told her what happened is a feeling I would never wish upon anyone.  As parents, it’s our job to protect our kids, and it’s a horrible, helpless feeling when you can’t.  Knowing there are things my kids will face in their lives is enough to keep me awake every night.  And this was my first experience in dealing with something like this, I’m still learning what my role is in it.  Having split custody is hard enough without life throwing in things kids should never have to experience.  My mommy heart wants to be there to hold them every day and tell them everything will work out fine, but I can’t.  However, they do have a great support system with their dad and step-mom’s family, which I couldn’t be more grateful for, and it helps me to know they’re getting the love they need right now.  My oldest is now a junior, and my oldest son is a freshman.  With school starting I made sure to say an extra prayer that God will help them get through this year despite the emotional stress they’re going through.

I have to conclude by saying that, in my experience, death never gets easier to deal with.  I’ve lost many people in my life, mostly close family members, and it hurts deep every single time. I do, however, gain a new perspective-death has a funny way of reminding us what’s truly important. I’ve learned that reaching people in the middle of their pain is often difficult because everyone grieves differently.  I’m an emotional person and my passion has always been helping people, but sometimes I feel like praying is all the help I can offer.  And there’s nothing wrong with that, it’s just hard when all I want to do is wrap my arms around someone and let them cry on my shoulder.  Maybe that’s the point though, to meet people where they are and let them know you’re thinking of them, and praying.  Sometimes we don’t get to be the fixers, the one who mends the broken heart, the one who says the ‘right thing” at the “right time”.  God has shown me that sometimes I can’t control every little thing, and that my only job is to trust Him, thy will be done.

Thy Will, Hillary Scott

Blind To Fear

Fear can be paralyzing. Fear can either hold you back or propel you to greatness. All of us live with fear on a daily basis, and it’s not always a bad thing. It’s what you do with it that determines the outcome of your life. The key is to identify the different types of fear, Godly and debilitating. The Bible clearly states that we were not given a spirit of fear, so we know that if it’s associated with worry of judgment or magnifies your insecurities, it’s not from Him. Godly fear is highly beneficial and can prevent you from making devastating decisions, fear driven by satan can cause you to be reckless and careless.

The problem with fear is that if you don’t recognize or acknowledge its grip on your life, you can live with undesirable and unforeseen consequences. I’ve witnessed how it’s guided my relationships and prevented me from true vulnerability and acceptance because it hindered me from achieving what God’s plan has been for my life. Fear is tricky in that it begins to control you and the choices you make, short term and long term, and if not corrected can ruin friendships and relationships. Debilitating fear doesn’t come from God and is a mechanism the enemy uses as a foothold in our lives to keep us from true happiness.

I never realized how paralyzed by fear I’ve been all my life until literally these past few weeks. My husband and I just went to Magic Mountain and I was so excited to ride their roller coasters, I hadn’t been in 20 years. My anxiety kicked in after a couple rides and I ended up jumping off one just before they fastened us in. As I watched my husband fly into the air I couldn’t help but cry. I realized in that moment fear had been crippling me for a while and the build-up produced a physical reaction. Fear of disappointing someone, not being liked by people, being judged by people, the list goes on. I didn’t see how almost every decision I made was driven by an unrealized fear. Before we left for our trip, I’d thought about buying some shorts since the weather was supposed to be warm. I tried on two pairs, just two, because I was so disappointed in the size they were and cried at how horrible I felt I looked. What’s funny is, I never used to care what people thought about me. I really am not sure when I started subconsciously worrying about what others might think of me. Perhaps when social media became prevalent in my life and I started seeing what looks like perfection in a photograph. I can’t say that I sat there and every time said to myself, “I want to look like that”, or “wow, they look so happy; they must be happier than me”. But maybe that’s the way it works, it starts out by simply admiring something from a superficial standpoint and the envy slowly begins to work its way in, unknowingly.

I can, however, pretty much peg my instant self-esteem loss to when I got pregnant with my youngest son 4 years ago. I’d previously lost so much weight and was finally proud of myself for accomplishing something all on my own. At that point it was pretty much the only thing I could pride myself on because I didn’t have help or encouragement, I was my own motivation. Losing all that progress in such a short amount of time really damaged my self-esteem, and I haven’t fully figured out how to get it back. I can tell myself a thousand times a day that beauty is skin deep, that my weight is just a number, that no one cares as much as I do, but it never makes me feel any better. I have spent the better part of 4 years trying to figure out what I was doing wrong and driving myself insane trying new things to help the weight from having two babies in under two years go away, with no success.

My journey thus far has been like a flower unfolding, or pulling back the layers of an onion, to expose all the areas fear has driven me. I’ve been so consumed with myself and my appearance that I’ve neglected many other aspects of my life. Being vulnerable is a tricky thing and requires trust. Trust in the other person, ourselves, and ultimately, in God. I never grasped how much I was actually afraid to trust in God and His timing, or His plans. Sure, I could say out loud that I did, and there were perhaps times I actually did. But any time things would go bad or not the way I planned, I found myself questioning if I could really trust Him. I keep finding bits of wisdom in quotes and scripture that remind me God is God no matter what. No matter if my life is falling apart, I’m filled with fear, or things are going well. He’s immovable, unchangeable, consistent, and loving. The more I pursue Him and read about who He is, the more I want to know and experience Him. To run a video montage in my mind of all the times I’ve been so afraid brings me to tears. The times I’ve avoided a conversation, confrontation, or a stupid pair of shorts, I missed out on what God was trying to show me, the ways He wanted to grow me and I instinctively said “no”. I can’t imagine how heartbroken He must feel when we miss out on all He has for us because we’re so wrapped up in our own insecurities.

I’ll admit, it scares me to death and makes me incredibly uncomfortable to think about what people might think to themselves if I wear something that makes me cringe to look at in the mirror. The deeper question is why? Why am I so afraid and why do I care so much? I just told my husband the other day at Magic Mountain (while I was walking around hot in my yoga pants because I was too afraid to buy the shorts that weren’t the size I wanted) that I’ve realized in regards to my weight, I hate it mostly because it doesn’t reflect how I feel about myself or how I want to represent who I am. I’ve been in the gym daily for over 2 months and lost not one pound. To look at me, you’d never know I even go to the gym and that drives me insane! I know progress can be slow but there’s allegedly a thing called muscle memory that I have yet to experience from the years I spent working out. Plus, cutting calories and working out alone should produce some results, just from a physiological standpoint. I tend to be a perfectionist in certain aspects, and like most people, am my own worst critic. But in this struggle, I feel this annoying voice telling me, “it doesn’t matter”.  And I think, “how can it not”?? The whole point of working out is to look better and feel better. For me, just feeling a little stronger and more toned than I was before isn’t enough. That’s when I come back to, why not? Perhaps because I expect results, specific results. And perhaps that’s the lesson I need to learn. That, as far as I know, I’m not unhealthy and not overweight enough to cause any major issues-it’s just a nuisance.

I truly believe this lesson is multi-faceted. I have a tendency to want to control things and I realize there’s not a lot I get to control (probably a good thing), so I put all my focus on something I feel I should be able to control, like losing weight. I do what I can, eat right, exercise, stretch, etc., and I haven’t been able to control my weight loss. I just had some blood work done to check for possible hypothyroidism, and if that’s the problem, then hallelujah for modern medicine! I think the real answer lies somewhere deeper though, maybe in learning to love myself for once and not only accept, but appreciate, my true beauty. Beauty that doesn’t come from a number on a scale, the size of my thighs, or of a pair of jeans. Beauty that reflects the heart of the One who created me. I’ll admit, I don’t really know how to get there, but it’s certainly something I want to work on. I frequently see women who admit that they love their body, and I’m always amazed because these women are oftentimes larger than me. It’s not that I think they shouldn’t, I just don’t understand how they attain that confidence.

The beginning of any journey is always scary but if I have one thing to lean on it’s that it’s always worth it. I know there are no regrets on the other side of looking in the mirror and seeing something beyond the façade of perfection in my eyeliner, hairstyle, or wardrobe. I know learning to love who I am for what I have to offer is a beautiful thing and something I’ll be able to instill in my own children. I want to be able to see my qualities and gifts and not feel arrogant or conceited by being proud of them, I don’t even know why I ever felt that way. My pride gets in the way sometimes because being a natural-born leader, I want to be the one to help others, not the other way around. So I research all these ways to fix things, especially myself. But I know at this point I can’t do it alone. I need help and that is a huge milestone for me because I don’t readily accept it, I never have.

There are, however, things in life we have to learn to let go of. For me, I guess it’s my weight and body-image issues. Maybe I’ll never look the way I picture in my mind (God help us all if that’s the case). Maybe being a mom of 6 will keep me permanently squishy and a few jean sizes larger than I was two kids ago. Maybe I just need to learn perfection is an illusion and despite my disbelief, my husband thinks I’m sexy for something other than just my outward appearance. That, too, has been a contributing factor to my fear. I know men are visually stimulated and I just have a gut wrenching fear that I need to look a certain way or he won’t find me attractive, which I know is a lie but it’s hard to change that pattern of thought. I think most women have a fear of becoming a frumpy housewife, or maybe I stand alone in that, but that’s what I’ve become because of my fear. Why try if I’ll never attain that goal? I’ve been so enthralled in trying to attain a “perfect” physique that I’ve not grasped physical beauty also comes from who you are as a person, not just your shape.

Of all the times I’ve wanted to change the way I felt about myself, this time feels different, real, like the goal is attainable. I still plan to exercise and eat right because it’s better for me and helps me thrive in other areas. But I know I need to realize the only goal I should be focusing on is learning self-acceptance and promoting a positive body image to the people around me. That, despite my outward physical appearance, I do take care of myself and I can’t always control what my body does. By recognizing the control fear had on me, I can make the conscious effort to see that when I’m feeling afraid it’s simply the enemy trying to keep me from pursuing the greatness that comes in trusting God and His plans.

So the next time you find yourself feeling fearful, rest assured you can overcome it by reminding yourself that it’s only a plot to hold you back from your destiny. Take cautious risks and trust that God will show you what His plan is. Don’t give into fear and prevent yourself from growing and learning more about Him, it’s always worth it!

Time Doesn’t Heal All Wounds

My sister, mom, and me

I have to preface by saying that this post will be quite sorrowful, today is the anniversary of my mom’s death.  Twenty-eight years later and I often feel like it was just yesterday. My sister and I, along with my mom and her boyfriend, had just moved from our apartment and were staying at a Motel 6. I honestly don’t recall why, or how long we were there. I just recall the disastrous events as if they’ve been etched in my memory with a scalpel.

Following is an excerpt taken out of the book I started writing in an attempt to heal from the tragic event that began a lifelong battle with anxiety and depression. I felt it was a great addition to this post and gives a little insight to what I experienced all those years ago.

I have only a handful of memories of my mom, and I’ve held on very tight to those because I lost her at such a young age. I never knew the kind of person she was, and I was too young to think about journaling to try and preserve any memories that were fresh in my mind. I do, however, remember the day she died like it was yesterday, I guess traumatic events are like that. My sister and I were sitting in front of our room at Motel 6 playing Barbies. I didn’t like my mom’s boyfriend and recall feeling annoyed that she was learning to ride the motorcycle I despised. I had looked up long enough to see her ride alone around a grassy area with a tree in the center to get the feel of the handle bars, then toward the main road. Her boyfriend jumped on the back and into traffic they rode, right in front of a semi-truck. I didn’t see that part, it was out of my view, but I can still hear the metal colliding in my mind as I retell this story. At the young age of 5, I somehow knew it was her, and that something very bad had happened. My sister and I ran to the street just in time to glance over into the street and see my mom lying in a pool of her own blood. I honestly don’t remember crying, I’m sure I did, or maybe I was too stunned to react. I was also distracted by my sister who was hitting and biting my mom’s boyfriend, sobbing and yelling at him. Everything after that is a blur, except later that evening swimming in the pool of the motel while the managers watched us. I recall not liking the pool either, every time I would swim to the bottom it would scrape my toes.

She died on the way to the hospital that day, in an ambulance, at the young age of 26. Though I firmly believe things happen for a reason, and I know she didn’t always make the right choices (does anyone?), I can’t help but feel robbed of so many great things she could have taught me. Things I’ve learned along life’s journey and only hope to share with my own daughters. Her death truly has been the driving factor behind my desire to be the best mom I can be. It never crossed my mind how significant that drive was until I became a mother for the first time. And though I was very young, I was wise beyond my years thanks to a strict upbringing and experiencing things most children never have to. I’ve become passionate about teaching my kids all I can and raise them to never take life for granted, but to appreciate every day for what it is. In the wake of my mom’s untimely death, it’s created something in me I may not have otherwise experienced or felt convicted to pass on.

One of my last memories of my mom is probably the day before, potentially the actual day, she died. My sister and brother were at school, and she & I were laying on the bed. Bon Jovi’s Livin On A Prayer came on and we both loved the song and began singing together. I started jumping on the bed and she said, “Boo Boo, this isn’t our bed, don’t jump on it because it could break”. I didn’t take her very seriously, mostly because she was laughing as she said it, so I kept jumping. She continued to laughed and pulled me down next to her so I couldn’t jump anymore, and we lay there giggling together. (Bon Jovi has since become one of my favorite singers and I was lucky enough to see him in concert in 2005.) One time, my sister and I were waiting in the car for my mom to be done with a doctor appointment. As she came out of the office and toward us, I jumped up and started running to her. She told me to be careful as I turned around to run back, and I tripped and hit my head on the open car door. It was busted pretty badly, I needed 7 stitches, but she bought me a Bon Jovi poster to make me feel better-and because I was such a good girl during my stitching. I stared at that thing every single day, I was ecstatic and almost thankful I’d hurt myself because of the reward I received.

I think about her often, and tell my kids about how they missed out on one amazing grandma-where do they think I got my “awesomeness” from? Every time I look at my kids and feel my heart swell with love, I think of her and how she must have felt about me. I can’t imagine leaving this earth and having my kids miss out on the significance of having a mom. Even though I got by without her, I sometimes feel like there’s a void in my heart of all the memories we never got to make. It’s like an emptiness that will never go away, no matter how much I’ve tried to suppress it. There have been times in my life where I’ve been so low, going through a difficult time and all I can think is, I want my mommy. Sometimes I feel like she’s there, comforting me and telling me it’ll be alright.

I have a photo on my dresser of us, from when I was about 3 or 4, that my 7-year-old daughter used to think was she and I. She was very confused the first time she asked and I had to tell her it wasn’t us, it was a sweet moment for me. She’s since reminded me that it could have been us, every time with a smile.

I don’t believe time heals all wounds, I believe God does. All time does is create distance in the memories and make it more bearable with each passing day. And I think when you experience trauma at an age where your brain can’t process it, you almost become numb-or potentially the polar opposite. For me, unfortunately, I began to suppress emotion that, in all honesty, I’ve only recently begun to process and heal from. As I typed out the experience of watching my mom die, a floodgate of emotion poured out of me. I didn’t anticipate that because I’ve told the story countless times over the course of the past 28 years. It amazes me how our brains respond and react.

When I first started my book, my heart was wanting some form of closure. I wanted to learn about her; who she was, what she liked to do for fun, what made her happy/sad, how much of me and my personality comes from her? I’ve been told at different points in my life, by several people who knew her, that I remind them of her. When people tell me I look like her I’m always flattered because wow, was she was gorgeous! I’m sure all children innately admire their moms, but there’s no disputing her beauty. From what I remember, and what I hear, she was just as beautiful inside as out. Maybe that’s why people were attracted to her, men and women. I’m told she had a magnetic personality and was always a blast to be around.

My hope is that through this book I can finally heal from the pain I’ve experienced from her passing, perhaps offer a little hope to someone who’s experienced the same kind of heartache. And on this somber day, I think I’ll hug my kids a little tighter and make sure they know how much I love them, so that if the unimaginable happened, there would be not a shadow of a doubt that they are loved beyond measure.